(Advice) Smoke and Mirrors

Unchartered Waters - Part II

2007-10-29T08:46:00.000-06:00

On one hand, I think it's sort of sad Ice Princess has never been in a meaningful relationship. On the other hand, she hasn't been in a meaningful relationship at her own choosing.

From talking to Ice Princess, it is clear to me she spent her formative years as the "Ugly Duckling." This caused her to feel inadequate and unworthy of attention. Unfortunately, even though her looks have come out of the "Ugly Duckling" stage, her mental state has not. She spent years feeling insignificant, and today is deathly afraid a guy is going to come along and "break her heart." Because she had immense disappointment as a young girl, she is very reluctant to "put herself out there." Basically, this results in her dating people she doesn't really care for. This allows her not only to ensure she can "dump" these guys without feeling disappointed, but also ensures she isn't hurt if one of these guys decides to dump her.

Along comes New Guy and the next thing you know, Ice Princess is in a relationship wherein she is no longer in control. Her immediate response to this loss of control was to end the relationship to regain control. This seems stupid to most of us. The way we see it is she likes New Guy and they really seem to enjoy spending time with one another, so why would Ice Princess end it. Remember, she was in effect emotionally scarred by rejection as a child. There is no way she wants to feel that kind of pain again, so as is usual, she would end the relationship just to ensure she's in control and doesn't get hurt any worse than the hurt she is already feeling from ending the relationship. A tough decision, but one Ice Princess feels she must make.

What kind of advice did I give in this situation? Remember, we all obviously see life from our own perspective. Knowing where Ice Princess was coming from, I simply decided to not center on her per se, but to give her the perspective of the rest of the population. I told her that we all have fear. Some of us run from that fear, which results in that fear always existing. Others choose to confront the fear, which usually results in the fear being shattered.

Whatever I said, it must have worked as Ice Princess decided not to end the relationship. I ran into Ice Princess and New Guy last week and they genuinely seemed happy.

Now I just hope Ice Princess continues to conquer her fears and goes on to live the life she deserves!

Mind Games: The Survey Says.....

2007-10-17T20:08:00.000-06:00

Not surprisingly, during the last survey, all respondents voted that men were "better" at playing mind games.

How does this happen? Do men go through some "academy" when they reach puberty where they receive lessons and guidance in the art of trickery? Maybe their fathers simply sit down with them when they are young men and teach them all the lessons they will need to know in order to be successful MEN!

Do women not get this same training? I am pretty sure that under Title X (that's the Roman numeral ten for those of you who may not be bilingual) women are assured the same opportunities when it comes to education. Therefore, I doubt it is a class only offered to men.

What could it be? I have to believe men are "learning" this behavior by watching others in society who are engaged in similar activities. Plus, lets be honest. A woman is just as capable as playing a mind game as a man is; however, woman also have a gene that allows them to feel remorse after they are deceitful. These feelings typically lead them to a place where they make a decision not to mess with someone else in the future. Men, on the other hand, simply move on after they mess with someone. Well, they don't move on exactly. In order to perfect "their craft," they analyze the mistakes they made while playing the mind game, figure out how to be better next time, and then move on with little or no remorse. They feel no remorse. As a matter of fact, men typically feel powerful after on of these episodes. They don't then go out and try to mess with everyone; however, their past success ensures they don't shy away from these situations either.

Will the differences between the sexes ever cease to amaze me??

Unchartered Waters

2007-10-01T14:53:00.000-06:00

As many of you may recall, months ago I was posting information about two young people in my office I referred to as Ice Princess and the New Guy. I was literally writing about how these two people individually told me they liked one another, yet neither was willing to take the first step to engage the other. I was basically trying to solicit reader inputs about how these two people might be able to get together.

Here were are at the tail end of September and Ice Princess and the New Guy actually got up the nerve to speak to one another and have now been dating for about 3 months. I can honestly say they both seem very happy and really appear to be enjoying spending time with one another. Ice Princess actually started to thaw!

Here’s the latest: About two weeks ago, Ice Princess went on a cruise to the Caribbean with friends and family. New Guy was not part of the trip as it had been planned months before he and Ice Princess started dating. Before the trip, Ice Princess gave New Guy a key to her apartment and asked him if he would be willing to take care of her cats and her mail. New Guy readily agreed. Additionally, Ice Princess informed New Guy that she had traveled to the Caribbean before and she did not feel she would have good cell phone coverage based on her past travels. Because of this, Ice Princess informed New Guy she didn’t know how often she would be able to make contact with him while she was gone. This didn’t seem strange and New Guy wasn’t worried before the trip.

While Ice Princess was on the trip, she did not make contact with New Guy; however, once she returned to the United States she called him. Things seemed to be fine.

However, once Ice Princess returned to work, she made absolutely no attempt to make contact with New Guy even though they normally made contact several times a day. New Guy was bothered somewhat by this, but not overly concerned.

The evening following Ice Princesses’ first day back at work is where things really started getting weird. New Guy contacted Ice Princess several times during the evening. During one of these contacts, Ice Princess told New Guy she was “confused.” This threw New Guy for a loop as he had no idea why Ice Princess would be confused.

As usual, the next morning, New Guy came to me, reported the latest happenings and then solicited my inputs about what might be going on. My initial feeling was that Ice Princess was confused as she has never been in a relationship where she felt this way. As you may recall, this is the same girl that deliberately dated the “wrong guy” because she knew it would be easier for her to break the relationship off. Now, she finds herself involved with someone she really does care about and is alarmed because she has never allowed herself to be involved in this way and really doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

Big Bird!!!

2007-09-19T19:46:00.000-06:00

Have I missed something? Is there something you need to tell me? Are you holding out on me? Why won't you just tell me????

Is there some strange law in the State of Colorado that makes all the other drivers on the road police officers or something? I only ask because for some reason people in and around Denver have a tendency to "flip me the bird" several times a week. This usually happens as I am in the middle of or have just passed them.

I can honestly say I am not a reckless driver. Having said that, I will freely admit I like to go fast. However, I never drive fast when other cars are around and when possible/within the law, I will never fore go an opportunity to pass a car in an effort to get wherever I am going just a little faster. Like I said, I am not afraid to admit I drive fast, but typically this is when I am driving down a barren road on the way to my office. I never drive dangerously, especially when there are other cars/people present.

Having admitted my tendency to drive fast, I am still amazed at how often I am "flipped off" during the week. Again, is it me or am I simply missing something? I guess it sometimes seems as if there is a law that says you can't pass another car even when you are clearly in a passing zone and aren't speeding. In other words, you shouldn't pass a car going 10 mph under the speed limit as this may upset these slow drivers.

Lord knows we don't want to upset these other drivers! This is even though they clearly aren't going the speed limit and apparently have no problem delaying everyone else who happens to be using "their" roadway.

All I can say is that as long as this "new" law remains in affect, there will be many more people giving me "the bird" as I refuse to allow these people to slow me down or offend me.

If you are one of these people, I will know who you are by the signal you send me with your middle finger. You will know who I am as I will be the guy laughing/smiling as I pass you and quickly fade from sight.

Crash, Boom, Bang (Driver Poll Results)

2007-09-12T21:18:00.001-06:00

I don't want to sound sexist, but I sure am glad almost everyone answering last weeks poll about driving abilities agreed with me.

Again I don't want to pick on women, but seems like every time someone cuts me off, it turns out it a woman who just so happens to be driving while using a cell phone. Isn't necessarily that woman aren't as good at driving, but I think women spend more time on a cell phone while they are driving. I really think men would have problems driving if we spent as much time on the phone.

Thanks for participating!!

Your Cheatin' Heart.....

2007-09-11T21:39:00.000-06:00

We all know there are many good reasons not to get involved in a relationship with someone when we and/or they are already in a committed relationship. I am going to fore go talking about all the obvious reasons and focus on a secondary reason that can have long-lasting effects on anyone who chooses to do this.

I am talking about the mental effects these types of relationships can have on someone. Lets look at it. Now correct me if I am wrong, but for some reason I hear a lot about single women getting involved with married men. This isn't to say men don't also do this, but seems like there is a greater chance of a single woman being involved with a married man than a single man being involved with a married woman. I don't know why this is. Well, it might be because men are manipulators and are more likely to try to get a little something "on the side" than a woman is.

Anyway, have you ever thought about the mental anguish a person involved in this type of relationship must go through. On the man's side, he basically is afraid the relationship will be discovered. I imagine this would be rather stressful, but nothing compared with the anguish the single woman is going through. I will be the first to admit this woman is in this position because of the poor choice she made. However, the purpose of this post isn't to place blame, but to give all of us a better understanding of the mental anguish a person goes through after they have made a decision to be involved in this type of activity.

From my perspective, I would imagine this woman would have more anguish. When she first becomes involved, she is obviously physically attracted to the man, but this is often replaced by true love. Initially, she is willing to put up with her man living with another woman, spending time at home with his kids and spending very little time with her. This is because the relationship is still exciting to her. Eventually, if the relationship continues, she will more than likely begin to fall in love. As her love grows, she will soon become dissatisfied with the amount of time her love interest can and/or will spend with her. She will soon start to make demands of the man and expect that he will meet them.

Now a couple things are possible at this juncture. The man might actually commit to her and leave his wife/family to be with her. However, remember most men are manipulators, therefore, they may be telling the woman they are going to do this, when in fact, they have no intention of doing this. The man is going to draw this out as long as possible because he likes getting a little "something something" on the side. The woman will typically believe the man's statements as he is telling her what she wants to hear. At this point, he may actually make more of an effort to spend more time with her as he is trying to sell her something. This will give her the impression he is to be trusted, but eventually she will figure out he has no intention of every being with her. At this point, most people will end the relationship. Some will continue even though they know they are being manipulated as they don't feel they will ever meet another man to meet their needs.

Can you imagine the turmoil going through someone's brain when all this is going on? Think about it. One minute feeling like this person actually wants to be with you. The next minute wondering why you don't get to spend much time with this person. Constantly reassuring yourself it will all work out, but always having a gut feeling that it won't.

Hard for most of us to ever understand why someone would put themselves in a situation like this. Especially since there are tons of stories like this out there. Shouldn't these people have a better understanding of what's going to happen? From my vantage point, it seems like people put themselves into these situations because they feel they are different and that they can make it work. Plus, it's easy to arm chair quarterback these situations, but far different when you are the person involved and your own emotions are involved. In other words, it's easy to get sucked in.

I try to understand why anyone would subject themselves to this type of heartache, but no matter how I look at it, it just doesn't make sense. These type of bad decisions lead to a lot of heartache and anguish, so why put yourself and others through it???

Mind Games - Poll Results

2007-09-05T11:58:00.000-06:00

Not surprisingly, men were selected as the group that plays more mind games. I can't complain too much. Even though I am a guy, I voted for men as well.

Why is it that men play more mind games? Is it because we are inherently sneaky? Maybe it's because we aren't good at letting down our defenses and showing vulnerability, therefore, we feel we always have to project strength, even when we have to lie or play mind games to do it.

Whatever the reason, we all need to make more of an effort to be 100% honest and not play mind games, which can only lead to pain and disaster!

One Foot In Front of the Other

2007-08-27T09:11:00.000-06:00

I think we all know that when someone enters a new relationship they have a tendency to “put their best foot forward.” Lets be honest, no one wants to walk into a relationship and scare the hell out of the object of their affection. For the most part, I think most of us do this. It doesn’t really matter whether if this is a dating scenario, a friendship scenario or even a co-worker/boss scenario. We want to be viewed as good people, therefore, we typically try to be all things to all people to ensure they like us and we are accepted.

Through time, it becomes difficult to maintain this façade. Cracks are going to start to form and these people are going to begin seeing us for who we are. Typically this is OK as the relationship is usually on fairly solid ground. As long as we don’t have serious character flaws, people won’t usually run away from us simply because we have a couple minor flaws.

This is all natural and I think most people understand this is going on.

What I question is the inability of a lot of people to continue trying to put their best foot forward at least some of the time. It seems like a lot of people will put their best foot forward when a relationship is initiated, then as their flaws are exposed it almost appears their attitude is “this is me and I am not going to change for anyone/anything.”

I am all for people showing their true selves; however, when the true self is really bad, why expect others to accept you for who you without at least attempting to be a better person.

We all put our best foot forward and as I said most of us get that and don’t have an issue with it. We don’t have an issue with it a.) because we are probably doing the same thing ourselves, and b.) we understand people have flaws and don’t want to openly advertise those flaws to anyone, let alone someone they just met.

When you meet these people with the major issues, it’s almost as if they totally duped us. They deliberately led us down a path and let us believe they were decent people. Once we appear to accept them, they revert back to this bad person with an attitude that says “you’ve already accepted me, therefore, I can be the biggest a** in the world and you have to accept it if you want to be my friend.”

No one has to accept someone’s flaws. We choose to be in relationships with people. If their flaws are counter to your acceptable standards, then dissolve the relationship as soon as possible. If you don’t, you run the risk of having serious problems because of that relationship in the future. It’s almost an “I told you so” moment. If you know they are bad people or have serious character flaws, yet you choose to have a relationship with them, then it’s almost as if you brought bad things down on yourself.
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Lower your standards and have a life filled with heartache.

Maintain your standards and ensure the people around you have similar standards and you will be much happier with the people in your life!

Mind Games

2007-08-01T20:43:00.000-06:00

We all know those people who seem to spend a lot of their time "playing mind games." These are the people who routinely seem to be messing with people. Messing with their minds. Messing with their hearts. You know who I am talking about. These are the people who seem to get pleasure out of screwing with people.

Now, I totally agree there are a lot of people out there who like to play the mind games, but as I look at people I realize there are a lot of people who play mind games on themselves. I don't believe this is usually intentional, but it happens frequently nonetheless.

The brain is a very complex piece of equipment and I believe the majority of the time the brain likes to be occupied. We all have things we like to do and as long as we are doing those things and the brain is occupied, it appears most of us are alright.

However, allow your brain to become bored and get ready for the mind games to begin. Our brain makes us believe we hear things that no one else seems to hear. We also see things that are apparently invisible to the rest of the population. Undoubtedly, with enough time, our brain will start playing mind games with our relationships as well.

How many times have you found your mind wondering when you started believing a family member, loved one or friend is mad at you even though there is no real evidence of this? How about when you go a day without speaking to your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend? Surely you find yourself wondering whether they are suddenly mad at you about some unknown issue.

Unfortunately, our brains do in fact play mind games and unfortunately, for the majority of us, when it is playing these games we have a tendency to "think the worst." You don't sit there thinking your boyfriend really must love you when you don't hear from him for a while. No, you automatically assume something is wrong and that he is either mad at you or out cheating on you. For some reason, a lot of the time our brain becomes filled with negative thoughts when these mind games are being played.

I even find myself experiencing these mind games, even though I know my brain is playing tricks on me. Whenever I feel these mind games are going on, I've found it is helpful to fully evaluate the situation and then give the other person the benefit of the doubt. My wife isn't mad at me because she did call me all day. She is simply too busy and hasn't had a chance. Trust me, giving someone the benefit of the doubt really goes a long way in ensuring the mind games either don't start or quickly go away if they have already started.

Shadows of Our Fathers - Reconciliation

2007-07-09T12:32:00.000-06:00

So, throughout my life, I really have not been close to my father at all. As I said previously, this was partially because my father did not make an effort and partially because I was so bitter I refused to have a relationship with him.

Now, as we have both gotten older, it appears we now see the error of our ways. As a matter of fact, I like to believe I work hard to be a good son each and every day now. As an example, my mother was gravely ill a couple years ago. Unfortunately, she eventually succumbed to her illness. Not too long ago, I learned that my father returned to work just to ensure he could payoff the medical bills from my mother's illness.

Although I thought this was brave, I also thought my father, who is in his 70s, deserved to relax for the first time in over fifty years. Because of this, I am now in the process of buying my father's house from him. This will give him the cash he needs to pay off all his bills and will finally allow him to relax and enjoy the rest of his life.

Reconciliation is nice!!

SOF - Part IV - Bitterness

2007-05-30T17:39:00.000-06:00

So, I grew up, got married and then moved away from my family as quickly as I could. I know now that I was simply running and it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, but it felt right at the time, so I did it.

I was a bitter, bitter person. As I grew older and had kids of my own, I would often wonder how and why my parents did the things they did. I didn't really know my grandparents, so I never really had any evidence showing whether my parents came from loving homes or not. Rather than giving them the benefit of the doubt, I decided to hold in my resentment. It was almost as if I was estranged from my own parents. I would occasionally go home and visit, but would never talk about my childhood. I simply didn't want to go through it all over again.

As you can imagine, this begins to wear on one's sole. It was a heavy burden for me to carry around for 20 years. Eventually, the burden became too much for me to handle. Rather than carrying around the bitterness and resentment, I instead chose to simply ignore it. I basically decided it wasn't worth worrying about anymore.

In the short-term this really seemed to help, but as you can imagine, it didn't really resolve any of the issues I had with my parents. It just resulted in the problems being buried. Not a good long-term solution.

Eventually, I got to the point where a more realistic solution to the problem needed to be identified and then enacted. More to follow.

Shadows of Our Fathers - Part III

2007-05-12T16:22:00.000-06:00

So, we are all smart enough to sit down and figure out that for the most part, we are who we are primarily because of who our parents were. For the most part, if our parents were good people, we are good people. If our parents we bad people, then there is a greater chance we will be bad people. This isn’t across the board. Obviously, my parents weren’t the best people, but I think I am alright.

We all have choices to make in our lives. Unfortunately, most people don’t take the time to evaluate the situation, therefore, they simply follow the path their parents laid out for them. If we actually evaluate who we are and who we can be, then take the appropriate steps to reach our goals, we all have the power to be what we want rather than merely accepting the destiny our parents laid out for us.

Don’t allow the long shadow of your parents to hang over your entire life. Certainly, you need to learn from your parents. If they showed you good things, then emulate those things so you are also doing good. However, if they showed you bad things, don’t simply accept them. Identify them as bad things and do everything in your power to eliminate those things from your life.

When I was a young man, much like my parents, I started to drink. I never really got into trouble because of the drinking, but I definitely had a moment of clarity where I realized I was well on my way to being just like my parents. I decided at that very moment that I had a wife and a young daughter and that I wasn’t going to do to them what my parents did to me. This resulted in me cutting drinking out of my life. I am not opposed to people drinking, but at that point in my life, I realized it wasn’t the smartest thing for me to be involved in. This resulted in me putting my family first and resulted in three children having a father who wasn’t abusive like my parents were to me.

As I have said many times, I am not perfect. I simply do the best I can to be the best father possible. I know I am going to make mistakes; however, simply eliminating drinking from my life ensures the mistakes I make are my own and aren’t caused by drinking.

I ask each of you to look at where you are in life and honestly assess what your good and bad tendencies are. If you do an honest assessment, I am sure you will begin to understand the positive and negative influences your parents had on you. I just ask that once you do this assessment, you make an honest effort to enhance the positives in your life and to eliminate the negatives. Trust me, life is much better when you aren’t living in the shadows!

Shadows of Our Fathers - Part II

2007-05-06T19:32:00.000-06:00

So, why would any parent lock their child out of the house? Why would any parent beat their child? Why would any parent emotionally and physically scar their child for life? These are good questions, but I don't know that there is a good answer.

In the case of my parents, I really don't blame my mother, but lay it all at the feet of my father. My mother was basically helpless and was emotionally and physically abused herself. There was virtually no way she could escape the terror of my father. Some might be sitting there now saying there is always an option, but trust me, she really didn't have one. For all intense and purposes, my mother and us 5 kids were stuck there. My older brother joined the Marines as soon as he could, while the 2nd oldest joined the Army. My sister didn't join the military, but married an Army man. When it was my turn to escape, I joined the Air Force. Only the youngest stayed there and never tried to escape. In effect, each of us, save for my younger brother, bolted away from my father as soon as we possibly could. The youngest continues to live near my father and looks to him for financial support to this day, even though he now has two children of his own.

Looking back, I now recognize that both my parents were alcoholics. I knew they were always drunk as I grew up, but never knew until I reached adulthood that they were truly alcoholics. Both my parents got better about 15 years ago when they both quit drinking. They were actually decent people once they quit. Unfortunately, by then, I had virtually no relationship with them. I'd stop out of obligation, but there never really was a bond. Unfortunately, I have three kids of my own and they never had a relationship with my parents either. As a matter of fact, it's almost as if there's a cloud hanging over my father (my mother passed away about 5 years ago) and my kids absolutely can't stand being around him, even though he is better now.

This all means my father is a very lonely man. He continues to provide financial support to two of my brothers. He doesn't complain about doing this at all. I am sure he now realizes all the mistakes he made as we were growing up and financial support is his way of trying to make amends. I certainly don't want his money, but even if I did, it would be too little - too late.

I could have grown to be just like my father. Fortunately, I never understood why he did it to us, therefore, I could never do the same thing to my own kids. I hope this is the legacy that I will pass on to my kids, my future grand kids and then onto their kids.

SOF Part I - Response

2007-05-02T07:03:00.000-06:00

As many of us now know, when something (good or bad) happens to someone, it causes either a positive or negative reaction in their life. Someone getting a promotion usually causes euphoria, while being issued a ticket causes anger/embarrassment or frustration. Those are the immediate effects. Some of the long-term effects might be that we work harder to ensure we are valued by our company and are competitive next time a promotion becomes available. Or, we might watch our speed to ensure we aren't pulled over again. We all get this. What we don't quite understand is the effects actions have on children. What happens when a child is beat by their parent? How about when their parent yells at them? I think we all understand the short-term ramifications of these actions, but I believe it is important to look at it from all sides, short-term and long-term to ensure we all grasp what really happens.

If you were to learn your friend or co-worker was the parent of the child who was forced to use the throw rug to keep warm while locked out of the house, I assume your reaction would not be a good one. You would more than likely confront them and do everything in your power to protect the child. This is justifiable. Someone allowing their child to go through this doesn't appear to be a good parent. From the child's perspective, they are basically at a loss. You would think they would be able to obtain a house key from their parent, but in this case their parent wasn't willing to provide them with one. There next option would be to stay at a friend's house after the football games. This option might be used a number of times, but lets be honest, the child would eventually either have to tell his friend (and more than likely his parents) what was going on. This is an option; however, the boy in this case didn't want to face the embarrassment of having others know what he was going through. So, in the boy's mind, he had no choice but to tolerate being locked out.

From the parents' perspective, they didn't necessarily know the boy was locked out. I am not trying to defend them here. But it is clear the boy would sneak into the house because he wanted to avoid a confrontation with his father at all costs. So, even though the parents are basically in an indefensible position, you can't assume they know everything that's going on.

In the short-term, the boy is angry (and cold) and feels resentment towards his parents. As his relationship with his parents continues to deteriorate, the resentment will build. It will eventually get to the point where the boy really doesn't have any interest in furthering his relationship with them. He will eventually become the boy who either gets in trouble or does everything in his power to "escape." Not only to escape his parents, but escape his hometown, which has so many negative memories for him. He just wants to get away from it all.

In the long-run, as you can see, there are many bad things that can be lurking on this boy's path. First and foremost, it would be an accurate assumption to believe that this boy never felt love from his parents or anyone near and dear to him. How does one become a good adult when they have never experienced love? If you've never experienced love, you aren't necessarily good at giving love either. Therefore, as this boy becomes a man, there is a great risk he can disassociate from society and not have feelings (good or bad) towards others. It is as if he is devoid of emotion. Unfortunately, as is often the case, there is a chance this boy will father his own children. Because he was never taught how to be in a loving relationship, there's a good chance he will have a poor relationship with his own children and will more than likely be abusive towards them as well.

Now, I am not all about doom and gloom. I am all about looking at things from different angles, which I believe gives each of us a better perspective and allows us to better understand why things are the way they are. With this in mind, I have to admit the boy in the story was me. I can totally confirm I am not posting this blog entry from my prison cell. Nor are my kids (I have three) home cowering from me.

As I said before, abusive behavior is a learned behavior. I learned it, much like many others learned it as children. Although I learned it, I choice to really learn from it. What I mean, is rather than allowing this behavior to negatively impact me, I allowed it to positively influence my life. Instead of sitting there saying, "I will beat my kids because that's what my dad did to me," I chose to say, "My dad beating me wasn't right. He wasn't a good father. I will ensure if I ever have kids that I never treat them that way." Am I a perfect parent? Of course not. But I try to the best of my ability to be the father my kids deserve.

I have always succeeded in my life. Again, I am not perfect, but when it comes to work, I am a valued member of a team and have received numerous promotions/pay raises, etc. I almost hate to admit it, but I am the person I am because of my parents. I am a success at work because of them. I am a good parent because of them. Not because they did anything to support me as a parent or gave me a positive ethic, but because they taught me how not to do it.

As I look back, I would have loved to have had a loving relationship with them. However, rather than being bitter and allowing their behavior to weigh me down, I choose to be empowered by it. I never felt my dad valued who or what I was. This could have been bad for me, but again, I turned it into a positive. I know I am good at my job because of this lack of love. I have always felt I needed to be valued, so I work my butt off to prove I am worthy. I know this all sounds twisted, but it really depends on your perspective. Basically, I learned from their mistakes and won't allow their mistakes to negatively impact me now as they did when I was freezing my butt off on the porch.

Here's the other perspective. I have a brother who is close in age to me. He didn't have the ability or wherewith all to do the things I did (i.e. break away, create his own path, etc.). He still lives near my dad, constantly asks my dad for financial support and has been involved in some really bad relationships. Unfortunately, I don't know that he will ever be able to break away from my dad. For whatever reason, my brother wasn't able to "make the jump" and use the lack of love as a motivator. Because of that, it is as if he is emotionally dependent on my dad, even though my brother is approaching 40 years of age and the chances of that emotional void ever being filled by my dad are virtually non-existent. I have issues with my brother, but can almost understand why he is the way he is. I feel sorry for him.

So, understand that without all the information, it is easy to jump to conclusions. Oftentimes, the conclusions you jump to will not even be close. Look at friends, co-workers and associates and understand that you may never really know where they came from or what they went through when they were a child. Without this information, you may never be able to assess why they are the way they are. That's OK. Maybe you aren't supposed to have all the information. Maybe your job is to simply give them a fair shake and give them the benefit of the doubt without making snap judgements about them.

Shadows of Our Fathers - Part I

2007-04-29T13:51:00.000-06:00

The young man looked forward to the Friday night all week long. Friday nights were the best nights of all as the young man could go straight from school to the high school football stadium and catch one of the local teams in action. He didn't have any money, which could be a problem when it came to getting food to satisfy his hunger, but he was sure he could bum some money from friends as he usually did, which was his normal course of action.

Once Friday night arrived, the young man headed straight to the field. He wasn't a member of the football team, but at least in his mind, he was the best player on the practice field, which was just behind the stadium grandstands. See, every Friday night, the young man and many of his friends player their own brand of tackle football. No bright lights, no cheerleaders, but as exciting as an NFL game to those who played. There were many good players, but few with the abilities of the young man. He simply ran faster, had more moves and had more desire than the other players. His one fault was he simply wasn't big enough to play on the high school team. A couple more inches and a few more pounds and the young man was sure everything would be different. Until that day, the young man would simply dominate the games on the practice field.

As usual the young man played in the pick-up game and at least in his mind was the star of the show. He never had any contact with his family, who scarcely had any idea where he was at. He certainly knew where they were though. His mother and father were sitting in the bar, while his little brother was left unattended and was running the streets.

Following the Friday night football experience, the young man walks the two miles to his house and upon arrival quickly confirms that as usual, he is locked out. See, his parents, and especially his father, really don't care much for the kids. They have minimal contact with them and certainly don't worry about them being locked out of the house.

As usual, the young man is forced to sit on the porch waiting for his parents to come home. Like always, he has already checked the entire outside of the house and has confirmed it is locked up like Fort Knox.

Unfortunately, the football season can run into late fall, therefore, like many Friday nights, it is very cold and getting colder by the minute. Not to worry though. The young man will simply use the throw rug, which is used to clean one's shoes, as a blanket until his parents come home and allow him inside.

Many hours pass, but his drunk parents eventually come home at about 3:00 in the morning. Once his parents are safely inside the house, the young man "sneaks" inside and quietly slides into his bed. He is forced to sneak as he doesn't want to disturb his father, which typically results in a "tongue lashing" and sometimes escalates into a beating.

Why would anyone do this to their own child? Why bring kids into the world, yet want nothing to do with them? Doesn't make sense, but this kind of "parenting" goes on everyday.

What happens to this child as they grow up? Do they go to college? To jail? What exactly happens to a child that is shown no love and is left to fend for themselves at a very young age? Can this child grow to be a success or have they simply been marked for failure?

Follow this series of articles as we discuss some of the things parents knowingly and unknowingly do to their very own children. Plus, what are the ramifications to the parents, family and child based on these actions.

Emotional Bullies and Their Victims

2007-04-26T17:03:00.000-06:00

Much like spiders, there are people on this planet who are always in search of their next “prey” or victim. Some of these people are simply bullies, while others are somewhat lost themselves and are looking for someone who can solve all their problems for them.

Today, I don’t want to spend a lot of time on bullies, as we all pretty much understand why they do the things they do. Instead, I would like to focus on the people who are “searching” for someone to solve their problems. These people are “emotional bullies (EB).” Someone searching for another who can help with their problems doesn't sound all that bad, but they had a tendency to "suck" people into their lives while negatively impacting the lives of their victims.

Inherently, these people don’t wake up in the morning and decide to be bad; however, by the end of the day, whether they intended to or not, they have left a wide swath of destruction in their wake. See, these are the people who can’t seem to solve their own problems, so they look for that helping person who is willing to provide guidance and can help alleviate all their problems.

At the beginning, these “helpers” are willing participants in trying to help the EB with their problems; however, before too long they aren’t helpers anymore, they assume the role of “victim.” Initially, these victims more than likely feel they are providing a valuable “service” to EB, but before too long realize they have been “roped” in to EB’s world. Before too long, EB is taking advantage of them and is “using” them for all they are worth. At some point, the victim will begin to realize they are in over their heads and will more than likely try to escape from the web being spun by EB. EB will quickly realize the victim is trying to break away and will expend all necessary effort in order to keep the victim emotionally involved. These efforts will prove successful initially; however, if the victim is adamant about breaking away, there is little the EB can do to prevent this.

Always wanting to seem in control, the EB will soon “cut” the victim off, the entire time searching for his/her next victim. Soon, EB will begin to totally shut the victim off and focus their efforts elsewhere. Part of this centers around the EB’s desire to always appear “right” (i.e. if EB stays around the victim, the only thing apparent to both parties is that EB “used” the victim.), and part centers around EB’s desire to focus on their next victim/target.

An evaluation of the history of EBs reveals a person who goes through many relationships throughout their life. Part of this is because people eventually can’t handle being around EBs; therefore, they oftentimes break off these relationships, which causes the EB to move on to their next target. Part also centers on the fact these EBs have no clue where they are going or what they are doing. Therefore, they are always “searching.” Not just for another victim, but for the perfect victim. The one who truly may be able to solve all their problems. See, although they fight it when a victim tries to break away, in their heart, they often aren’t opposed to the victim leaving as they know this victim wasn’t capable of solving their problems. In other words, the relationship wasn’t providing the EB with the things they needed either, so they aren’t totally opposed to the relationship ending either.

These relationships oftentimes end very badly. Sometimes the victim simply has had enough and explodes in a manner that clearly shows the EB how hurt they’ve been by the relationship. Let’s face it. These are frequently “use and abuse” relationships. The EB is using the victim. When this becomes evident to some victims, they sometimes feel betrayed by EB and react harshly towards the abuser. Other times, the EB simply must walk away from the relationship feeling they were “right,” therefore, at the conclusion of these relationships; it may be the EB who causes all the fuss. We all have a tendency to raise our voices when we are in an argument. EBs frequently raise their voice during the climatic end of the relationship simply so they can walk away feeling the ending of the relationship was justified.

We all sometimes find ourselves involved in these types of relationships. All I recommend is that when you feel you are being used, regardless of the type of relationship (i.e. dating, marriage or friendships), confront the person, let them know how you are feeling, let them know what makes you feel that way and give them a chance to understand where you are coming from. Then it is your call. You can either end the relationship or allow them an opportunity to change. Either way, at the end of the day, you have to make sure you can live with yourself.

Make sure you surround yourself with people who have your interests at heart. That doesn’t mean they can’t have their interests at heart as well, but there must be some balance. It can’t simply be a one way street.

Strange Internet Relationships

2007-04-10T15:34:00.000-06:00

A woman sent me an e-mail the other day requesting some advice. Here's the story:

This woman is married, 45 years old and the mother of a young child. Her husband is 47 years old. They have been married for about 10 years. Problem is, it appears the "spark" has left their marriage. Sure they still go out and do family things on the weekend, but those activities are usually centered around their child. They don't really do anything "together" unless it is centered around the child.

Now, as I have written before, a lot of people are in similar situations. We end up in a "rut" where we are basically surviving, although we are not necessarily 100% happy. Most people either learn to deal with this by, a.) accepting it, b.) not accepting it and trying to make positive changes, or c.) not accepting it and moving on (i.e. divorce).

The problem for this woman isn't simply that they aren't happy. Since they have a young child, who frequently goes to bed early, they actually have a lot of free time. Unfortunately, rather than spending this time together, her husband spends a tremendous amount of time on the Internet. At first, this didn't seem too strange to this woman, but eventually so much time was dedicated to the Internet that she began to get curious about his activities. Right or wrong, she decided to begin monitoring his activities so she could have piece of mind about his activities.

Unfortunately, over a short-time, she soon learned her husband was apparently involved with several different women over the Internet. Not true adulterous affairs where he would meet these women, but chat sessions and e-mails where it clearly indicated he had attachments with them. This discovery greatly surprised and upset this woman. She didn't want to divulge she had been checking up on him, but she did want to confront him. Therefore, she chose to simple ask him why he was spending so much time online. As if often the case, he would become extremely upset (avoidance) and get mad about her even asking him about it. Of course, if she even tried to approach him while he was on the Internet, he would quickly minimize the screen so she couldn't see what he was doing.

She put up with the activities for a while, but eventually got to the point where she decided to solicit my inputs and advice. Here's my take:

1. It appears her husband is just as unsatisfied with the relationship as she is. Unfortunately, this has resulted in him seeking out companionship with other people. I don't want to throw this guy under the bus just yet though. As far as this woman knows, he is merely conversing with these women. She has no idea what the nature of these conversations is, therefore, I find it hard to beat him up for potentially only conversing with people. It appears his coping mechanism is to seek out others versus speaking to his wife about being unsatisfied. I don't believe the guy is a saint, but I don't have any information indicating he is a sinner either.

2. At this point, as far as the woman is concerned, she has a couple of options. First and foremost, if she is interested in fixing the relationship, which I assume she is since she solicited my advice, then she needs to take a hard look at herself and understand/acknowledge mistakes she may have made in the relationship. She then needs to approach her husband, express her dissatisfaction with the relationship and tell him she is willing and able to make amends and work together to fix the relationship. Additionally, she needs to seriously confront him about his online activities and let him know these activities will not be accepted in the future. If he wants to work on and fix the relationship, then they both need to put heart and soul into it and work to fix the relationship. Of course, if/when they have this conversation, this woman needs to acknowledge her mistakes and tell her husband exactly why she isn't satisfied with the relationship. If he is really interested in fixing the relationship, then he should also acknowledge his mistakes and should readily agree to cut out his online activities.

3. If either doesn't 100% buy-in to fixing the relationship, or if he returns to the Internet seeking companionship, then they need to take a serious look at ending the relationship. This is oftentimes hard to do when a child is involved, but in the long run why should they stay together when they are both truly miserable? If they do this, there is a pretty good chance the child will grow up with serious issues. Fixing the relationship and staying together is obviously the best scenario for all parties concerned; however, if they are unable or unwilling to fix the relationship, moving on and allowing the child to grow up without all this turmoil maybe the best solution.

What do you think?

Ding, Dong The Playa is Dead!

2007-03-06T00:17:00.000-07:00

Talk about coming full circle. The woman formerly known as the Playa is officially dead. As you may recall, Playa was "played" by a guy a while back. He basically was using her, while he was "with" at least one other person. Problem was, Playa discovered this, but rather than calling him on this, she went along with the charade. Eventually the relationship became too much for her to handle, so she ended it.

This seems like the action most of us would take if we believed we were being played. We would immediately dump the other person and condemn them for "two-timing us."

I thought Playa was going to do this as well; however, after she dumped this slime ball, she then became just like him and began dating multiple people. This isn't a problem except the people she was dating believed they were in an exclusive relationship with her. When I learned Playa had become a playa, I immediately told her she was no better than the guy who did the same thing to her. She didn't apparently care for my advice and chose to continue dating several guys without divulging to them that she was seeing other people.

I hadn't seen Playa for a while and then bumped into her last week. I was happily surprised to learn she saw the error of her ways and was now only dating one guy and planned to stay in an exclusive relationship with him. I just hope that for her benefit the relationship works out.

So, the Playa is dead and has been buried.

RLO - Up A Ditch Without A Paddle

2007-02-22T20:56:00.000-07:00

As I wrote last week, office mate Steve is our version of Dwight Schrute. This guy has so many quirks it would take many entries to document all of them. Seems like this guy always has some weird plan, idea or thought. Being around him is sometimes strange, sometimes quizzical, but always funny.

Typical example of "working" with Steve. Last week he walks into the Real Life Office (RLO) and is obviously out of breath and appears to be somewhat distraught. I immediately sense an opportunity to get some good stand-up material, so I ask him what the problem is.

Steve then begins to tell the tale of his drive to work. He begins by immediately admitting he "ended up in the ditch" on his way in. Rather than being worried about new stand-up material, I am concerned and ask Steve if he is alright. He tells me he is fine and quickly launches right back into his tale. Apparently, as he is driving down the state highway, Steve realizes he is out of windshield wiper fluid. This is a problem as his windshield is dirty and he is having difficulty seeing through it. Rather that driving to the nearest gas station and buying more wiper fluid, Steve decides there must be a way to coax more fluid to come out of the reservoir onto his window. (As Steve makes this simple comment, I quickly realize I have pre-judged this situation and that I will indeed be getting some stand up material.) This is proven to be an accurate assessment as Steve continues. Rather than pulling to the shoulder of the road, Steve decides to conduct an inspection of the wiper controls. After completing this inspection, he decides the controls must be malfunctioning and that the best way to get more fluid onto the window is by manipulating the control and turning it in a manner not consistent with the owner's manual. Did I fail to mention this is all playing out as Steve is driving down the highway at 65 miles per hour????

I think by now you all see where this is going. As Steve is manipulating the wiper control, he apparently looks up (no doubt through the 1 inch square of glass that he can still look through) and realizes there are a line of cars stopped on the highway and he is about to ram into the back of a rather large truck. Rather than plowing the truck, Steve makes the wise decision to drive onto the shoulder. According to Steve, he misses the truck by a whole inch and is now speeding up the shoulder at 57 miles per hour. He then realizes he is about to "plow" into one of the small green mile markers. At this point, Steve takes drastic measures and on his own accord leaves the shoulder and goes into the ditch at 45 miles per hour.

Luckily for Steve, the ditch was relatively flat, and he was able to get his car back onto the shoulder of the road. He then admits he sat on the shoulder of the road for about 10 minutes simply trying to "catch his breath." (It appears Steve only caught his breath at this point and made no further attempt to clean his windshield, even though he was no longer at the controls of a 3,000 pound missile rocketing down the public roadway at 65 miles per hour.) After partially (I say partially because remember I said he was still out of breath when he walked into RLO. Apparently, he should have stayed on the shoulder "catching his breath" for a couple more minutes.) catching his breath, Steve and his vehicle with very dirty windshield then proceeded to RLO safely.

Here's the kicker. As if this episode wasn't funny enough, Steve misses the 1st day of work this week. I ask around and learn he is at the hospital with a pinched nerve. Once Steve returns to work, I ask him what is wrong. He confirms he has a pinched nerve and has been prescribed Valium to help with the pain. I ask him how he got the pinched nerve and he says, "I have no idea. My neck just started hurting and I decided to go to the hospital." I have no idea what you are thinking at this moment, but my opinion is that last week Steve got a "crick in his neck" from holding his head at a weird angle to see out the one inch square of clean windshield on his car. This obviously led to the "pinched nerve."

I can only finish with this thought. If you happen to see a car with an extremely dirty windshield driving down the road near you, I strongly recommend you stay as far away from it as possible. This guy not only makes mechanical repairs to his vehicle while driving, but also has a really sore neck that prevents him from rotating his head, which ensures he can't see any other cars on the road, and is apparently all "hopped up on Valium."

Ice Princess - Glacial Meanderings

2007-02-16T23:50:00.000-07:00

Man, for a while there I actually thought there was a chance Ice Princess and the New Guy might "hook up." I mean it was obvious to me that New Guy was making an effort to "bump" into Ice Princess and I even had Ice Princess saying she was interested in the New Guy. Ice Princess also said since she was interested in New Guy she was going to make herself more available and make it easier for New Guy to "bump" into her.

Now, my norm would be to make sure they "bumped" into one another, but in this case, both New Guy and Ice Princess said they wanted to handle it on their own.

If this is "handling it," then I don't think these two will ever get together. Even though they are both allegedly interested in one another and are trying to handle it on their own, they still haven't had any further contact following me introducing them to one another.

It is possible they really aren't as interested as they said they were, but I find this hard to believe simply because they didn't gain anything by telling me this if it weren't true. Therefore, I choose to believe they are actually interested in one another.

All I can say is that at this pace they might meet and actually go on a date sometime around August 2012. I don't know if my readers will have any interest by then. Maybe it is time for me to revert to my norm and ensure they actually do bump into one another. I know I should disrespect their wishes, but I don't care anymore.

Will let you know how my efforts work out.

Real Life - The Office

2007-02-14T23:07:00.000-07:00

My family recently experienced a phenomena over the Christmas holidays when each and every person in the family realized we absolutely love the TV program called The Office. We bought all the season DVDs and can't get enough of this show.

Since I began watching the program, I realized I work in an office with just as many characters as The Office has.

From Steve, who is the equivalent of Dwight Schrute, to Dwayne, who is a near perfect match with Michael Scott, my office really has it all. Although I love watching The Office, I relized I am involved the the Real Life Office (RLO) each and every day.

With this in mind, I've decided to share some of the funny and strange things that go on in RLO with readers. Simply thought we could share a laugh. I really look forward to hearing from you and learning what you think of my real life office mates.

Here's an example of what goes on in RLO on a daily basis: As I was typing at my desk, Paul suddenly said to me, "Kevin, you lived in Germany, so can you tell me what this means?" I turned and as I looked at Paul's computer screen I realized he was looking at a website for an amusement park in Texas called SCHLITTERBAHN Water Slide Park (http://www.schlitterbahn.com/). I don't know what you think of when you read that name, but I have to be honest and tell you one thing immediately jumped into my brain. This even though I do speak some German and knew schlitter means slide and not the thing that immediately came to mind. As soon as as pronounced the name to Paul and told him what I believed it meant (i.e. what jumped into my mind), he confirmed he is looking for a place to take his kids over Spring Break and thought this particular amusement park might be a nice place to visit. Of course, because of what immediately jumped into my mind, I had to let Paul have it for the rest of the day. I was surprised just how many times I could work the word SCHLITT into an everyday sentence. From telling Steve that he didn't know "schlitt from shinola," to singing "I'm on the schlitterbahn to hell" (to the AC/DC tune Highway To Hell), I have to admit I had people laughing all day. I even feigned illness and when Paul and Steve asked me if I was feeling alright I replied, "I feel like schlitt!" Suffice to say, it was a pretty good day at RLO. I think the thing that topped it all off was when I went to the whiteboard and drew an elaborate survey graph. As people came in and out of RLO I would tell them we were doing a new survey of the week (something we do on a fairly regular basis). If they agreed to take the survey, I would ask them, "If you were going on a vacation to Texas, would they rather take your kids to Six Flags Over Texas or the Schlitterbahn Water Slide Park?" As you can guess, to date, everyone completing the survey has resoundingly said they would take their kids to Six Flags Over Texas. That's right, Schlitterbahn hasn't received a single vote. Now, this isn't a scientific poll, so results are + or - 4 points, which means Schlitterbahn could pull even and actually win eventually. Unfortunately for Paul, I will end the survey long before Schlitterbahn has a chance to pull even or go into the lead.

By the end of the day, Paul was tired of my schlitt and reluctantly agreed that he is no longer considering Schlitterbahn as a vacation destination. As a matter of fact, if you are in Phoenix over Spring Break, you just might get lucky and run into Paul and his family. If you are so lucky, offer Paul his favorite beer (Schlitz) and I am sure you will get along fine.

Where's The Remote?

2007-02-08T22:14:00.000-07:00

I want all of you to do a little exercise with me. Close your eyes for a moment and think back to your childhood. Think back to a time where you were sitting in the living room watching some television. Now, name for me one television program you watched as a child that involved a family. Now it can't be the Jetson's or any other animated program. It has to be a program that involved real people as the family members.

Now, fast forward a little bit and think of a time you can recall vividly from your teenage years where you were out in public with your family. Did your family embarrass you or were you proud of them?

Now, look at your adult years. Think about a time when you were either wooing someone or being wooed by someone. Did you ever get to the point where you thought you might actually want to spend the rest of your life with this person? Did you go through with these thoughts or did you back away? Some of us go throught with these thoughts, while others run away from these relationships. Why?

I have a theory. This is based on many years of research while conducting interviews of people from varied backgrounds. Here's what I believe - we are what we watch on television. This may sound strange, but if you really think about it for a minute, you will see there is some validity to my beliefs. The facts as I see them are that when we are young children and we watch TV we begin to form opinions on what "normal" is. When we watch Little House On The Prairie, which I assume a number of you selected in the exercise earlier (or The Brady Bunch), we begin to get a picture of what normal relationships within a family are. As we grow older, these beliefs about families become ingrained in our subconscious.

When we reach and age where we begin dating, we begin to look for a mate based on our beliefs about who we need to be with in order to achieve what we perceive is the perfect family. If we are attracted to someone and they meet all the demands of our checklist, then we grow closer to them and will more than likely either ask them to or agree to marry them.

If we begin to detect this other person doesn't meet the requirements to help achieve our familial ideals, then we will more than likely not attempt to get closer to them or will stay with them, but never actually marry them or start a family with them. If we stay with them, we are merely allowing ourselves to remain in a "holding pattern" and are waiting for someone "more perfect" to come along. Once Mr. or Ms. Perfect does come along, we will abandon our relationship and immediately find ourselves try to initiate a relationship with Mr. or Ms. Perfect.

In other words, we live life like we are simply using a remote control. We just keep "flipping" until we find a program we like. We decide what program we want to watch based on the things from our childhood that appeared to be "nice" and continue to spend the rest of our life looking for these "nice things."

To Be Continued.......

Ice Princess - The Thaw

2007-02-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

As you may recall, I work with a young lady who has been having problems meeting guys. As I said earlier, her problem isn't her looks or her brains, but is primarily centered around the fact she has been deemed "unapproachable" by virtually every guy who has even the slightest interest in her.

She exudes an air of "non-interest," which appears to be a major turn off to most men. I believe she send these signals out as she has high standards and wants to ensure she keeps the "riff raff" away. Whatever her rationale, the fact is most guys are not going to approach a person who sets themselves apart. Guys view these type of women as "hard targets" with the belief they (the guys) will be "shot down," so why waste their time or risk embarrassment.

I've spoken to Ice Princess about the perception people have of her and many months ago she agreed it would probably be best to "soften" the image she exudes.

Good news: a new guy in my office has an interest in Ice Princess. Ice Princess is intrigued by his interest and appears to be thawing somewhat. She even agreed to "bump" into this guy so he had the opportunity to meet her.

I still believe Ice Princess is somewhat unapproachable, which has made it hard for the new guy to speak with her further, but I have high hopes that a date for both may be closer than even think.

Who knows? Perhaps their mutual attraction will actually lead them to speak to one another without me having to "arrange" the meeting. Let me tell you, this whole "cupid" thing get old pretty quickly.

I will keep you posted.

Rutting Season

2007-02-04T22:56:00.000-07:00

Now many people reading my title probably believe this is an entry about hunting. This is good because I probably now have a bunch of guys reading it, but could be bad as many women might have skipped right past. Hopefully both men and women will take a minute to read my thoughts and will realize this has absolutely nothing to do with hunting, but has everything to do with relationships.

Anyone would reads my blog entries on a regular basis will realize I speak about "ruts" quite a bit. We all experience ruts when we allow ourselves to be "hemmed in" and do not venture outside the rut we live in. On the surface, this may appear somewhat comforting. We get used to our norm and don't really have to worry about things outside the rut (or the norm). Why wouldn't this be good? It isn't good because typically we are involved in relationships and ruts are very bad for relationships. Ruts lead to boredom and I think we all know what happens when we are in a boring relationship - we begin looking elsewhere for excitement. No one (except those people who always seem to seek turmoil) wants this. We want to be in a good relationship where there is excitement on a fairly routine basis.

How are ruts bad for relationships? Ruts are bad in many ways. First off, a relationship can be in a rut and/or individuals within a relationship can be in ruts. Relationships that are in ruts are the type of relationships I spoke about earlier. They can be quite boring. You've seen these relationship ruts before. This is where you know your exact schedule for the week because the schedule never deviates. This can be good at times, but I believe for the most part this is bad as it leads to boredom. Before you know it, five years have passed and you can't remember where the time went and don't know if you had any fun during that time. This isn't good.

When it comes to individuals within a relationship being in their own ruts, I believe we all experience this at times. We are in a bit of a rut, but our partner doesn't appear to be in the same rut. As a matter of fact, when we are experiencing this type of rut, it may not appear as if we are ever on the same page as our partner, which can lead to immense feelings of frustration. Things that are important to us don't appear to have any significance to our partners. Eventually, we begin to grow apart as we never seem to see things eye-to-eye.

This is all compounded when children are involved. It is one thing to feel "out of sorts" with our partner on personal issues, but is much worse when we can't seem to see eye-to-eye in regards to the children. Relationships are hard enough as it is, but being in constant disagreement in regards to children makes it very difficult for the relationship to succeed. Ruts involving children typically lead to one partner almost exclusively dealing with the kids, while the other partner is almost a spectator. Again, a break every once in a while is good, but long term, one parent being absent from the "family" can and often leads to serious animosity within a relationship. Although it is great for one parent as they are allowed to relax somewhat, the other parent is carrying all or almost all the burden, which can be seriously draining.

I recommend that whenever possible new things to do be added to all relationships. his often brings new and exciting things into the relationship and ensures it remains "fresh." Mix it up a little bit. One partner can come up with an idea one time, while the other partner gets to pick the new activity the next time. Just ensure that whatever activity is picked is an activity your partner at least has a chance of enjoying. If you know your partner doesn't like sports or doesn't like to knit, then don't pick that activity. Activities should be activities that will bring excitement into the relationship and when possible, should be something relatively new that the two of you haven't experienced.

So, when possible, ensure you are doing your best to escape whatever rut you find yourself in. Trust me, the view is always better when you aren't in a rut trying to see past the everyday things in your life.

Inappropriate Teacher - Student Relationships

2007-01-30T07:27:00.000-07:00

Seems like there has been a rash of improper (illegal) teacher – student relationships in the Denver area over the last number of months. Whenever I read about one of these relationships, I often wonder what leads a teacher to partake in these acts. Very perplexing. The more I’ve read, the more I’ve formulated an opinion on why these teachers allow themselves to get involved in these situations.

I don’t have all the details concerning each of these incidents, but generically, it appears most of these teachers are married or involved in a serious relationship. That they became involved in these situations tells me they aren’t happy in the serious relationship they are involved in. In other words, they aren’t being provided with the things they need. Therefore, they are seeking someone to fulfill their wants and desires. I don’t believe this is simply physical. I think a lot of it is ego driven. They are involved in a “not so good” relationship, so they go out seeking a relationship that allows them to feel they are wanted and understood. If it so happens that a 16-year-old student provides them with the things they desire, then so be it.

Additionally, it appears to me that a number of these people are either a.) seeking a return to their glorious high school days, or b.) seeking an opportunity to be the popular person they weren’t able to be during their high school days.

Let me explain. A number of the recent incidents have involved young female teachers who were fairly attractive and from the outside it didn’t appear these women would have any problem meeting men. Why would someone like this get involved in a situation with a student? I believe some of these women were very popular during their high school days and now that they are in the real world realize life is a little harder than it was when they were the “popular” girls. Being around high school kids all day, it makes them realize just how much they miss those days. A male student “flirts” with them, which makes them long for the days when they were in high school and we oh so popular, and then next thing you know they are involved with the student. This relationship makes them feel as if they are one of the “popular” girls again, which feeds the teacher’s ego and desire to be the center of attention.

Another group of teachers probably weren’t that “popular” during their high school years. This doesn’t mean they didn’t wish they could be “popular” and part of the in crowd. Now, years later, as they are in a position of trust, they act cool around these high school students and realize some of the “popular” kids actually like them. This is more than likely based on their teaching style, but is misread by the teacher, who has always wanted to be liked or accepted by the popular kids. Sometime later, a little flirting (initiated by either the teacher or the student, but more than likely the teacher) begins and soon a relationship begins. This teacher now feels accepted by the “crowd” that never accepted them during their own youth, which feeds their ego.

Whatever causes these situations (relationships) to occur, it seems they are occurring on a more frequent basis. This may be because they really are happening more or because they are simply reported more frequently, but the fact is they are occurring. It is inherent all people in a position of trust (especially involving children) do not misuse their position for their own advantage or to fulfill their own desires. These acts are not accepted by society and oftentimes lead to the destruction of a family (usually the teacher’s). Even more significant, these relationships can often cause serious harm to the student (child) involved. This is damage that can stay with this child for the rest of their life.

Office Relationships

2007-01-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

Is it OK for co-workers, who happen to be of the opposite sex, to be friends at the office? What if both are married?

Some people feel this is totally verboten (forbidden), while others don't see a problem with it.

I ask because I work with a man and a woman who are both married, but are buddies at work. What does this mean? They work in close proximity (their desks are next to one another) and occassionally share meals in the cafeteria located in the office building they work in. They don't hang out exclusively and are often seen going to lunch with other co-workers from their office. However, they are often seen together and everything appears to be innocent enough.

Problem for both these individuals is that they have psycho for a boss and she is constantly interfering in their friendship. What does this mean?

Let me give you an example. A couple weeks ago, the guy (we will call him Keith) was scheduled to be off on Friday. Nothing unusual here as he oftentimes is gone on Fridays. Just so happens the woman (we will call her Suzy) was also scheduled to be out of the office on Friday as well. She had decided to take a vacation day to attend two events at her son's school.

On that Friday morning, their boss (we will call her Barb) called Keith's house at 7:15 am. When Keith answered the telephone, Barb asked him where Suzy was at. Keith responded that he had no idea where Suzy was at. A short time later, Barb then called Suzy's house. Suzy's husband answered the telephone and Barb asked him where Suzy was. Suzy's husband told Barb that Suzy was in the bathroom. Barb then quickly ended the call.

When Suzy came out of the bathroom, her husband informed her of Barb's call. A short time later, Keith called Suzy and informed her of the call he received from Barb.

Suzy went ballistic. Because she and Keith are friends, she (Suzy) is sure Barb thinks there is something going on between them. Because of this, Suzy and Keith are sure Barb's calls were an attempt to see if they were spending their day off together.

Suzy's initial reaction was that she was going to confront Barb and try to nip her activities in the bud. However, upon further reflection, Suzy decided it was probably best for her to drop it.

Remember my initial question. Is it OK for co-workers, who happen to be of the opposite sex, to be friends at work? I am not trying to ascertain your thoughts about how creepy Barb's activities were. I will address her issues in a separate post. I merely want your thoughts on whether you think it's OK for Keith and Suzy, who are co-workers, to be good friends at work.

If it isn't OK, why? If it is OK, at what cost?

In other words, Keith and Suzy hit it off and decided to be friends. They haven't hidden that relationship from their spouses and as a matter of fact often "hangout" with each other as couples. However, at what cost? Even though it appears Keith and Suzy and their spouses don't have a problem with the relationship, it's obvious that Barb (and maybe other co-workers) do not understand the nature of the relationship. Because of this lack of understanding, there's a chance these other outside people may negatively affect not only the relationship between Keith and Suzy, but also their families.

Is it worth it?

What do you think?

Soul Mates

2007-01-12T17:26:00.000-07:00

If you watch television, you might have seen the ad from a prominent online dating service wherein the narrator says words to the effect of, "We will help you find your soul mate."

This sounds great, but is the whole "soul mates" thing real? Do we each have one person on this planet that is our "intended" soul mate?

I was recently at work when a co-worker approached me with this very question. Basically, he asked whether I believed each of us have a single soul mate on the planet or whether there are potentially many soul mates out there for us.

I had thought about this very issue before, so it didn't take me long to provide him with my answer. Basically, I believe we each have a person who is our soul mate "at that moment in time." What does this mean? It means I think we meet that "special" person and then based on our attraction to one another they either are or are not our soul mate. I don't mean to sound shallow, but we have all met people were really seemed to get along with from the get go. On the surface, it appears this person may be our soul mate. However, after a relatively short period of time, we realize this other person doesn't float our boat as much as we originally thought. We then begin the search all over.

Some time later, we meet another potential soul mate and begin dating. As we begin to evaluate this new relationship, it is virtually impossible not to compare the new person to the old person. If the new person is better than the old, then maybe we begin to believe they are our soul mate. If the new person is not quite as good as the old, maybe self doubt begins to set-in and we think there's a possibility the old might have been the soul mate.

This all sounds like gibberish, but think about it. Basically, we go through various stages as we live life. Someone who may really seem like your true soul mate at one stage of your life doesn't really do it for you at a different stage. Someone who really doesn't "hit the spot" early in your life, may end up being a person you want to be around later in life.

So, do we have soul mates? I think we do. However, I think each of us individually decides who our soul mate is going to be. If a person really seems great, then there's a possibility we might overlook any flaws they might have because we really want to be with them. However, at a later stage in life, maybe these flaws are too much to handle. What to do. Do we simply end it with the person we have been claiming was our soul mate all these years?

In the end, I believe we each decide who our soul mate is and reserve the right to change our mind whenever we feel like it. I do not believe their is simply one person out there who it really meant to be with us, but do believe there are a number of people out there who could end up being your soul mate.

Taking The Easy Road - Part II

2007-01-09T14:45:00.001-07:00

When children see there parents cut corners, it begins to breed a sense within the children wherein they believe it is better to cut corners than do the right thing. It is better to accept a free handout instead of working for the things we want.

Over the years, this has morphed into children expecting other to provide for their needs vice the children working towards their goals. Ultimately, we end up with a service society, where everyone expects someone else to provide for them and end up with a lot of people who don’t have a strong work ethic.

This results in parents having to solve their children’s problems long after this should have ended. The kids can’t take care of their own problems and probably have more problems that they should, simply because their parents, friends and relatives end up taking care of all their problems. Unfortunately, as long as the parents, friends and relatives always step in to resolve problems/issues, then the kids are never capable of resolving their own problems.

As I said earlier (Part I), I’ve made mistakes with my own children. The biggest issue was me resolving that I had made mistakes and then figuring out what I could do to resolve these problems. I don’t want to sound harsh, but the answer that came to me was “tough love.” I have to hold my children accountable for their actions and have to make them resolve problems they may face. I love my children, but if I don’t take steps to fix the mistakes now, I will still be handling all their problems when I am 70 years old. I want to help them when I am 70, but I only want to assist them. I don’t want to resolve all their problems for them. If I did that, what the heck would happen after I am gone. Man, they would be really lost.

I am starting late, but at least these positive steps will help to ensure my children are capable of resolving their own problems in the future.

What are some other things we (adults) do that might send kids the wrong message? As I said before, it seems like just about everyone is looking to take the easy road whenever possible. Kids see us taking these actions and will imitate them as they get older.

Let’s look at divorce. I do believe that some people make mistakes and think that divorce is sometimes warranted in cases where two people cannot be in a healthy relationship. However, it seems like anytime a couple has a problem in their marriage they take the easy road and immediately turn towards divorce. Like I said, sometimes this is warranted; however, with the divorce numbers skyrocketing, it appears more and more people are taking this “easy out” instead of staying in a relationship and trying to work through issues. So, here is this kid who sees his parents aren’t perfect and sees that they argue sometimes. This kid then sees his parents getting divorced rather than trying to work through their problems. What do you think will happen when this kid grows up, gets married and then begins experiencing problems with their spouse? It won’t happen always, but a lot of the time they will revert to their “training” and will get a divorce rather than trying to work through their problems. Is it any wonder the divorce rate continues to go higher?

To Be Continued....

Taking The Easy Road - Part I

2007-01-01T21:57:00.000-07:00

I often wonder why the younger generation acts and does the things they do. Seems like they are often looking for a free handout. I don’t mean that to be harsh, but the fact of the matter is kids today seem to feel they are owed something from just about everyone and everything. Whether it’s the fact they believe their parents should provide them with everything, their refusal to work to help support their wants and desires and whether they feel the government/community owes them something, it just seems from my perspective that a lot of kids today expect to be provided for. They don’t necessarily show the same work ethic that was often displayed by my generation, which is perplexing to me.

Now, unfortunately, I am the parent of three kids myself, and I have to be honest and admit my kids oftentimes fit this mold as well. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what I did or didn’t do that perpetuated my kids being this way. I can say I still haven’t figured it all out. I know I could have been more direct and directive with them, which I believe would have bred more self-reliance on their part. Instead, because I didn’t have the greatest childhood and always vowed I wouldn’t be like my father, I was oftentimes more a friend to my kids instead of a parent.

This isn’t all bad. Because of the way my kids have been raised, they aren’t afraid to express themselves, regardless of who they are speaking to. If they feel they are correct, then they aren’t afraid to express their opinion. On the other hand, they can sometimes speak when they shouldn’t. I am all for standing up for your beliefs, but also feel there are times when it is best to fight a battle and there are times when it is simply best to walk away. My kids didn’t learn this. Therefore, at times, it can appear and feel like they are being disrespectful because they aren’t good at choosing their battles. To them, every battle is a battle worth fighting, therefore, they are constantly engaging. Even when it would be best for them to keep their opinions to themselves.

After looking and realizing the mistakes I made, I still didn’t think my actions could totally explain the “sense of entitlement” displayed by my children, so I decided to look at the rest of society and see if I might find answers there.

After spending a lot of time looking at society and the way people interact, especially with their children, I started to realize something. What I realized is that people today are “conditioned” to always take the easy route. I am all for cutting a corner if there is a need, but it appears the majority of citizens in our society cut corners whenever they want. As I said, I am all for worker smarted instead of harder, but I have come to understand people cut corners even when this might not be the best course of action. I can only describe this as being lazy.

To be continued…

The Dating Game - The Tearful End

2006-12-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

I have been looking forward to this Christmas break since the summer. I enjoy my job, but it is definitely nice to be away from it all for a while.

I have been sitting here at home (stuck for the most part because of all the snow) and have totally been relaxing. Imagine my surprise this morning when I heard the familiar "buzz" of my cell phone and looked at the screen to see it was "our girl" calling. I wasn't afraid to speak with her, but found it very abnormal that she would call during the holidays.

Of course, I answered the call. I haven't spoken to "our girl" for a while, so, like many of you, I was dying to hear what the latest has been in "our girl's" life. I quickly answered the phone and after passing holiday greetings asked "our girl" what was going on. She quickly broke down, told me I had been right all along and began crying.

I asked her what was going on and through sobs she told me she decided to go out last night to the movies with a couple friends. While they were sitting in the theater, they observed a couple a few rows in front of them that were being very "friendly" (i.e. kissing, hugging, etc.).

About half way through the movie, the man from the couple stood up and began walking towards the lobby. As he got closer, "our girl" realized "he" was "his guy" (or so she thought). "Our girl" said she was destroyed when she realized how foolish she had been. She said she immediately started crying and ran from the theater. Of course, "the guy" chased after her, but "our girl" told him she didn't want anything to do with him and continued to walk away from him.

A short time later, "our girl's" friends came from the theater and consoled her, but she realized no matter what they said, nothing seemed to help. Again, she felt so foolish that she hadn't followed my advice. She said she felt she should have listened a long time ago and probably wouldn't have experienced this pain.

I told her pain was part of virtually any relationship. I also reminded her that when she first agreed to go out with "the guy" (or any other guy for that matter), she was setting herself up for heartache. Lets be honest, no matter how good our relationships are, there are going to be periods of pain and hurt.

I agreed to work with "our girl" and help her get through this, but said I would only help if she was willing to promise not to have ANY contact with "the guy" in the future.

"Our girl" readily agreed and said she wanted help "breaking" out of the cycle of heartache she has been going through over the last couple years.

I am hoping "our girl" will start to make wise decisions and that I will not have a need or desire to write anything further about her.

What are your thoughts?

I'm A Man Baby!!

2006-12-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

We all remember that line from various Austin Powers’ movies. I thought it was funny in the movie, but didn’t think I would ever hear it in real life. Yet, just the other day I did.

If you routinely read my blog entries, you know I spend time trying to help people out with their relationships. Well, about a week ago, an older colleague (we will call Roger) walked into my office with a new employee (we will call him Bill). As soon as they arrived at my desk, Roger looked at Bill and said, “This is Kevin, he can help you out.” Roger then walked directly out of my office, leaving Bill and I staring at one another.

After several awkward seconds, I asked Bill what I could help him with. Bill explained that because he is new in the office, he didn’t know a lot of people and had recently seen a woman around the building he was interested in dating. Unfortunately for Bill, he had no idea who the woman was; therefore, he couldn’t make contact with her and ask her out. I asked Bill to describe her and he said, “she wears boots a lot.” I immediately identified the woman, which seemed to impress Bill.

I was not only feeling good about being able to immediately identify the woman for Bill, but was also excited because the woman Bill was interested in was Ice Princess (see my other blog entries). I had hope Bill would ask her out and not only would he be happy, but Ice Princess would also be happy and her problems meeting men might also be alleviated.

As I said, I didn’t know Bill well and didn’t want to interfere, but I wanted to do everything to ensure his chances for success were as good as possible. This is where the Austin Powers line comes in. I asked Bill if he wanted me to introduce him to Ice Princess, at which point he said, “I’m a man baby, I can handle it.” Again, I didn’t want to interfere, so I didn’t push any harder. I was somewhat fearful that he might scare Ice Princess of if he frequently used dorky movie lines when conversing with people, but figured he knew what he was doing.

I am sad to report that over a week has passed and Bill still hasn’t made contact with Ice Princess. I’ve asked him about it several times and he simply responds and says he hasn’t approached her because he hasn’t seen her. Sounds like he isn’t making much of an effort to make contact with her.

I just hope he really is a man and can handle it. I know I shouldn’t, but if he doesn’t make contact soon I may have to covertly influence this potential relationship and ensure these two meet one another.

Ice Princess

2006-12-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

About a year ago, I had a young woman at work approach me and ask my opinion on why she is having such a difficult time meeting men she might be interested in dating. I found this perplexing as she is attractive, highly educated and appears to have a very good job. Why wouldn't men want to date her? I asked her a few questions and tried to form an opinion, but I have to say it was hard to come up with a good answer when I was put on the spot.

Over the next couple months, I kept my eye on this young lady and tried to gather more information about why men never approached her and asked her out. It quickly became apparent to me what the problem was.

Rather re-approaching this young lady and stating my opinion, I sat back and waited for her to approach me again. First off, I didn't want to seem "forward" and begin to discuss an issue she may not be willing to discuss with me anymore. Secondly. based on what I observed while observing her, I was sure she was still having problems finding men who wanted to date her and I was confident she would make contact with me in a short amount of time.

Sure enough, a couple months passed and this young lady again contacted me. She really called because she was attracted to a guy at work, but didn't know who he was. She was hoping she could describe this guy to me and I would be able to identify him. Guess she had it right because as soon as she gave me the description, I gave her the name of the individual and told her where he worked. She then asked me if I could do some checking and see if he was available. I told her I would. Within a day or two I learned this guy was engaged and was not available. I passed this information along to the young lady who immediately appeared to be very frustrated by the situation. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to re-engage her about why men don't seem to be attracted to her.

She seemed shocked when I told her she came across as an Ice Princess. The fact of the matter is when I observed her, it was quite obvious the message she was sending men was that she was better than them and that she was basically unapproachable. She didn't seem to understand this, but eventually began to see my point.

Here's the deal. This particular woman spent all her formative years watching her parents and at a young age realized they had a great relationship. They got along well, took care of all their family needs and ensured her and her siblings were raised appropriately. Because of this, the young woman always felt she wanted to have a similar relationship as an adult. Not wanting to let her parents down by accepting any old guy who came along, she ensured she set hard and fast standards that any man who wanted to go out with her had. These rigid standards were hard for mere mortal men to adhere to, but the young lady was sure these standards would ensure only the best men approached her. Over time, the young woman's standards became so rigid that is got to the point where virtually every man was afraid to approach her. This was primarily due to the fact that the aura she put off was that she was unapproachable.

I told Ice Princess the standards are great, especially when it comes to picking the people she wants to hang out with. However, standards also can greatly minimize the number of people willing to even approach her. Additionally, I told her that there was little chance she was going to meet a guy that could provide her with the exact relationship her parents had. Each relationship is different and there is no way she can ensure her parents will accept every small thing about one of her boyfriends, therefore, she should quit trying to achieve things she thinks they (her parents) want. I told her I thought she should lower her standards a slight bit and try to put off a more approachable aura. This would make it so she appeared more approachable and would ensure guys weren't afraid to even speak to her. This will sound harsh, but I also told her that unless she lowered her standards a small amount, there was a good chance she would never meet someone that would satisfy all the things she wanted and that she would lead a very boring life. Ice Princess said she would think about it and might modify her behavior.

Over the ensuing months, I have had many occasions to see this young woman at work. It is quite obvious she decided not to listen to my advice, which has resulted in her not going on a single date for many months.

What do you guys think? Has Ice Princess set her sights so high that she can never achieve the man of her dreams? Are her high standards going to result in her meeting and having a relationship with the man of her (or her parents') dreams? Should she be living for herself or for her parents?

What advice would you give her?

Dating Game - Part V (Into The Abyss!)

2006-12-10T11:54:00.000-07:00

As you can imagine, I spend a lot of my time just waiting to see what’s new with “our girl.” I see her periodically, but normally we aren’t in an area where we can openly talk about what’s going on in her life. Of course, when I see her, I always want to ask her what is going on, but always bite my tongue. So, much like many of the readers of this blog, I spend days on end wondering what is going on. Eventually, “our girl” and I get a chance to speak openly and I finally find out what’s new. For those of you wondering, I am not a trained “counselor,” but do have some special training that allows me to listen to and analyze problems, therefore, I get a lot of people approaching me looking for a friend willing to listen to their problems. In this case, “our girl” knows about this blog site and has agreed to allow me to write about her “saga.” I’ve only agreed to not use her name or any pertinent details that would clearly identify her.

Anyway, we are wondering what the latest news is, so here it is.

“Our girl” has now entered into what I call The Abyss. This is that place where we know what we should do, but are having tremendous problems doing it. In other words, at this very moment, there is an epic battle being waged inside “our girl.” The battle is basically between her heart and her brain. We are all screaming for her brain to win, but it appears her heart is slightly in the lead.

She has now confronted “the guy” and explained her position. That being that she knows he is seeing (or with) someone else and that she is no longer going to accept this. It is either her or the other girl and she isn’t going to tolerate his “playing.”

As many of you would suspect, “the guy” had a ready made excuse for his actions and basically said she was right about him seeing another girl. He quickly threw in that he had already decided to end the relationship with the other girl, but didn’t want to hurt her and was moving “slowly.”

At this point, we all know what needs to be done (much like “our girl’s” brain) and know she needs to end it and move on with her life. Unfortunately, as I have said before, “our girl” really does like “the guy” and is afraid she won’t meet anyone as nice if she gets rid of him. Therefore, her heart continues to tell her to give him a chance.

So, she continues to hold out hope that he is being honest and continues waiting for him to “dump” the other woman.

This all despite that we are now close to two months into this relationship and she hasn’t had a single weekend date (the one Sunday night date doesn’t count in my book). For a guy “ending” the relationship with the other woman, he sure isn’t available to meet the needs of “our girl” (expect during strange Tuesday dates).

It is obvious to me this guy continues with his game. Unfortunately, as I predicted several posts back, he now clearly sees he has “our girl” right where he wanted her and will continue to take advantage of her.

I continue to preach my “run away” advice and hope “our girl” sees the wisdom of my words soon. She is already susceptible to heart break, but the farther we go, the more long-term damage she faces.

When Ryan Met Carrie...

2006-12-03T17:57:00.001-07:00

About a month ago, a co-worker (Ryan) approached me and asked my advice concerning a problem he was having. Seems Ryan had been to a party a couple weekends back and met a very nice girl by the name of Carrie. They really seemed to hit it off, so Ryan immediately asked Carrie for her telephone number.

Ryan wanted to call Carrie, but being somewhat shy, he didn’t. However, not too worry. Through a mutual friend Carrie obtained Ryan’s telephone number and called him. They began speaking almost every night and really seemed to be getting along well. Ryan finally got up the nerve to ask Carrie out on a date and things really seemed to take off.

Although they were getting along great, Ryan was taking his time in moving forward with the relationship. See, Ryan comes from a very religious family; therefore, he is not one to simply look at a woman as a “one night stand.” He really liked Carrie, so, out of respect for her, he had merely gone on dates with her and enjoyed his time with her.

This all sounds great, so you may be wondering why Ryan approached me for advice.

Here’s the deal. About 3 weeks into his relationship with Carrie, Carrie finally disclosed she is the mother of a two year old. Ryan was shocked to learn this as he was sure Carrie would have divulged that information “up front.” When Ryan learned about Carrie’s child he was a.) hurt that she hadn’t told him this previously and b.) afraid of what his parents might think about Carrie having a child out of wedlock. Why would Ryan worry about his parent’s thoughts? I wasn’t joking when I said the relationship had really taken off. Ryan and Carrie really seem to be in love with one another and Ryan has mentally already accepted that if he had his choice and everything worked out the way he wanted, he would eventually ask Carrie to marry him.

Ryan is now having doubts. He is wondering if Carrie’s lack of candor was actually a sign of deceit or as she said when he confronted her on the issue, merely her not wanting to scare him aware by disclosing she already had a child. Additionally, Ryan’s parents are very “traditional” and he is afraid they will reject Carrie because she had a child out of wedlock.

Ryan approached me seeking advice, but before I could give him advice, I told him I needed to know where his feelings now stood in regards to Carrie. Ryan seemed very open and said he did in fact love Carrie, but was afraid to be in a relationship with someone who apparently didn’t have a problem being deceitful to him. Ryan said he felt it was important to start the relationship with 100% honesty and was afraid Carrie didn’t feel the same way based on her actions. Additionally, Ryan said although his feelings for Carrie were very real and very strong, he was afraid of having any type of confrontation with his parents and potentially losing their respect.

First and foremost, I told Ryan he needed to face his problems/fears separately. Specifically, he needs to address concerns about Carrie separately from his concerns about disappointing his parents.

On the issue of Carrie, I told Ryan that he needs to sit down with Carrie and express his feelings about her apparent lack of candor in regards to her child. Ryan needs to ensure Carrie understands his feelings and needs to make sure she understands his desire for honesty in the relationship. Ryan should gauge Carrie’s response and then determine whether he wants to continue seeing her or not.

If Ryan does indeed decide to continue seeing Carrie, he can then begin the process of resolving potential conflicts with his parents. Firstly, I told Ryan that if his parents love him as much as he loves them, then they only want him to be happy. If the relationship with Carrie proceeds and is “right,” then I believe Ryan’s parents will accept Carrie for who she is simply because she makes Ryan happy.

Ryan thanked me for the advice and promised to let me know how things work out.

What are your thoughts?

Dating Game - Part IV (The Saga Continues.....)

2006-12-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

Now, we have all had friends/relatives that are/were involved in relationships we didn't approve of. Not that we have approval authority over their relationships,but we definitely want the best for our friends/relatives, therefore, when they are in an unhealthy relationship, we feel compelled to tell them to get out of it. Quite frequently, we are disappointed because they will not follow our advice. We are left scratching out heads trying to figure out why they continue to remain in these relationships.

With this in mind, lets take a look at where "our girl" is this week. Because I prefaced my comments with the above paragraph, you've probably already figured out where "our girl" is. Yes, that's right. Even though it is obvious this guy is taking advantage of her, she continues to communicate with him and has even gotten together with him for a couple dates. "Our girl" said during their communications, this guy has never even tried to explain why he disappears for days on end. He doesn't tell her why he hasn't contacted her during his disappearance act. See, "our girl" is making it easy on "him" because she doesn't even ask him why he disappears or doesn't make contact with her.

According to "our girl," she understands this isn't a healthy relationship and even goes so far as to admit this guy is probably "using" her, butcontinues to go out with him.

This is getting riskier by the minute as far as I am concerned. It is one thing when the guy thinks he is "putting one over" on "our girl", but becomes even more severe when it is never discussed. There is a good possibility he now knows "our girl" suspects something is up, but because she hasn't addressed the problem, he may now be under the impression that she doesn't care whether he is playing a game or not. This is dangerous because "our girl" does care, therefore, because she continues to see him, there is a far greater chance she will end up hurt in the long run.

Since "our girl" believes he is in fact playing a game, I asked her what her objective in the relationship was. She said what a lot of people in similar situations might say. Basically, her rationale for staying in the relationship was that he was good looking, they appeared to have a lot in common, and she was lonely and he made her fill important. Oh boy! It is almost as if they are both using one another. The difference is she is using him to fill her desire to be with someone (emotionally), whereas he is using her to fill his desire to be with someone (physically).

As I said before, it sounds like her heart is the only one in jeopardy of being broken. If she "kicks him to the curb," he merely needs to go out and find another woman he can take advantage of physically, whereas she is left picking up the pieces of her broken heart.

As I have during this entire "relationship" (I use that word loosely), my recommendation to "our girl" is that she immediately ends it with this guy. Not simply end it, but have a "come to Jesus" discussion with him wherein she clearly articulates her feelings about the game he is playing. If she merely walks away, it allows him to walk away with a relativelyguilt-free conscience. That wouldn't be good, as he would merely go out and do the same thing to the next unsuspecting woman. Her words may not prevent this, but they could, therefore, she needs to "call him on the carpet" and maybe save a lot of heartache for his next unsuspecting "victim."

More to follow.......

Thoughts?

The Reason Why??

2006-11-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

The Reason Why???

If you listen to country music, you may have heard the new release from Vince Gill called The Reason Why? In the song, Vince is basically asking why we (people who love one another) treat each other the way we do. I listened to the song several times and was really thinking about the things we do to the ones we love.

Basically, I agreed with Mr. Gill’s assertions. We aren’t very good to the ones we love. We are great with co-workers, but as I have said before, we take those closest to us for granted. What causes us to do this? Seems perplexing, but if you think about it seriously, I don’t think it is as hard as it appears.

First and foremost, we take advantage of the people closest to us because we believe we can get away with it. We know there are certain things we can’t do when “dating” someone. They may not tolerate the behavior and may “kick us to the curb.” Therefore, as I have said in previous posts, we put our best foot forward. We do everything in our power to ensure we lure the other person in. We don’t set out dating someone with the intention of scaring them away. Therefore, we make sure they only see the best we have to offer.

Once we are with them on a more permanent basis (marriage or long-term dating), there is a much better chance they will tolerate our misbehavior or inappropriate conduct, therefore, there is a better chance we will undertake actions that we would never think of doing while dating.

Once we get to that “comfort level,” the gloves come off. It then becomes all about us and our desires. We will consider the other’s desires, but in the end, for the most part, we do what we want to do. If we are forced to think of someone else first, then we act like children and oftentimes will do and say things that are very hurtful to the other person. We don’t really care what they think or whether their feelings are hurt. As I said, it is all about us and what we want.

Not everyone is like this, but a lot of us are. Unfortunately, this is a recipe for disaster. When we always put our desires first, it is bound to lead to trouble. Eventually, whether we are in a committed relationship becomes irrelevant. If we are meeting the other person’s needs, they will eventually get fed up and leave the relationship.

You have to meet your partner’s emotional needs. Does this mean your desires are always on the back burner? Of course not, but you have to make an effort to ensure the emotional needs of your partner are met. One way to do this is to make sure their desires sometimes come first.

A small sacrifice to make to ensure the long-term viability of your relationship.

Taken for Granted

2006-11-25T14:52:00.001-07:00

So this morning, like a lot of people, I woke early so I could go Christmas shopping. A lot of people (especially guys like me) don’t like shopping, but I really enjoy it. I enjoy it because I love watching people. I am a classic people watcher and shopping affords an excellent opportunity to do it.

Anyway, as you can imagine, when you watch people, you are sometimes privy to their lives. In other words, you get to see them at their best and oftentimes when they are at their worst. Seems like most people are immune to others being around and will do and say whatever they feel like doing.

So, I am in a store shopping, when a woman of about 25-years come around the corner pushing a shopping cart. About 20 seconds later, a man of about 25 and a small boy also come around the corner. When the small boy sees the woman, who is obviously his mother, he runs to her crying. It is obvious to me that they were apparently in opposite parts of the store and the boy was happy to see his mother. Anyway, the father arrives at the woman’s side, at which point the woman turns to the man and says, “What did you do to him?” while wearing a serious scowl on her face. The man immediately becomes defensive, his own face turns to a scowl, and then he says, “I didn’t do anything to him.” Like I said, from an outsider’s point of view, it was obvious the boy was merely happy to see his mother. It’s well known that a lot of children are closer to their mothers as they typically spend much more time with them. It appeared somewhat uncalled for when the woman asked her husband what he had done to the boy in such an accusatory manner. It was obvious the woman’s “assault” immediately put the man on the defensive and it appeared the accusation even hurt his feelings. It is quite possible these hurt feelings with carry over and there will be future arguments between the two. Obviously, had this exchange not occurred and the woman had chosen a different path, there would be a far greater chance this would have been an insignificant event not really remembered by either party.

Why do we take each other for granted? When we first meet someone we have interest in, we always put our best foot forward; however, once we feel secure in the relationship, we revert back to the true “us.” This is when we will say things and treat each other in a way we never would have thought of doing while dating.

We here so many negative statistics about the number of divorces in this county. It is even surprising that divorces numbers keep increasing? It isn’t to me. Look at the way we treat one another.

Far better chance a marriage will last if we continue cherish our significant other and show them each and every day that we value them.

Don’t take one another for granted. Otherwise, there is a pretty good chance that other person won’t be in your life much longer. You will have the whole bed to yourself, but will be very lonely.

Handy Man (Jack of All Trades, Master of None)!!!

2006-11-21T12:35:00.000-07:00

As I have said a couple times, women need to feel they are heard and understood. The biggest problem with that is most men aren’t good listeners, therefore, it is hard for them to understand where someone else is coming from.

Lets break this down and see what the problem really is.

First and foremost, men (and most other people) have a hard time listening to something they don’t care a lot about.

The reverse is that most women have a lot of empathy and can and will listen to the problems of their man. This is primarily because women are smart enough to know that listening to their man’s problems allows their man to “vent,” which means there is a much better chance their man will be happier. Since their man is happier, there is a far greater chance they themselves will be happier as well. See, women are typically better at seeing the long-term advantages to listening to their man talk about something that may have little immediate impact on their life.

Men, on the other hand, are fixers (hence the title). They don’t really want to listen to all their woman’s problems. They simply want to know who is causing problems for their woman so they can engage in the situation and ensure the problems stop.

Don’t hold this against men. We are simply built differently. Whereas a woman looks far off into the distance and makes immediate decisions that will make her happier in the long-run, a typical man will make an immediate decision that will prevent his woman from having a need to be bothered by a problem again in the future. Part of this is a man’s desire to fix all the problems and part is that men typically don’t want to have to continually address these problems with their woman, therefore, they want to go to the source and ensure there aren’t problems in the future.

This causes problems as most men want to live day-to-day with the illusion that they are involved in a totally happy relationship, therefore, they don’t like problems to be present. Women, like most men, need time to vent occasionally as well. When men constantly wants to “fix” the problem instead of listening to their woman vent, which ensures the woman never gets to vent. Face it – women don’t want their men to fix all their problems. Sometimes they simply want to be heard and understood.

Women – have a better understanding of what drives your man’s desire to fix all the problems. We like to live in an idyllic world and don’t like problems, therefore, we don’t listen to you vent, we simply go and address the problem so it isn’t a problem in the future.

Men – understand that being the man in a relationship doesn’t mean it is your job to fix every single problem your woman is having. Sometimes you need to simply listen, allow them to vent and even go so far as to allow them to solve their own problems.

Dating Game - Part III

2006-11-20T18:51:00.000-07:00

So, in case you have forgotten the saga of "our girl," I will give you a little refresher.

Initially, "our girl" met a guy at a party and they really seemed to hit it off. Within a week of meeting, the young couple went of a couple dates and really seemed to have a lot in common. Everything seemed like it was going well. My advice to "our girl" was that she needed to take it slow and not push or put too much into the relationship. This would ensure she wasn't hurt in the long run.

Then, as the young couple seemed to get more serious, "our girl" started to have a little anxiety because she really liked this guy, but was afraid she was going to scare him off. See, she was so taken with the young man that she wanted to talk to him often and was a little hurt if she didn't hear from him as often as she wanted. Again, I warned "our girl" to take things slow. This would not only ensure she didn't scare him off, but would also give her a chance to let him contact her and really show whether he was interested or not.

In week 3, the young couple went on a couple more dates, but I expressed fear to "our girl" because all the dates were during the week. I felt it was a little strange that three weeks into the relationship they still hadn't gone on a weekend date. She mentioned getting together on the weekend, but each time he had plans (a hunting trip and an out-of-town football game with friends). These "plans" didn't seem too far fetched, but at the same time I told "our girl" that she needed to slightly push for a weekend date. "Our girl" pushed a little bit, but in the end, the young man wasn't available to get together on either Friday or Saturday night. "Our girl" held out hope as unexpectedly the young man called late on Sunday and invited her out to dinner and a movie. I again cautioned "our girl" that this didn't count as a weekend date and she needed to ensure she was being realistic about a long-term relationship with this young man.

During week 4, the wheels totally came off. The young man doesn't call or make contact at all on Monday, then calls on Tuesday as if nothing strange is going on. No calls again on Wednesday, but "our girl" receives a couple "normal" e-mails on Thursday and Friday. Then nothing. Not a single call or e-mail over the weekend.

It appears the young man was playing a little game. Here's what I think was going on. First off, it is clear to me the young man was involved with another woman. This precluded him from taking "our girl" on a weekend date and only allowed him to see her during the week. Secondly, there is a strong chance the young man saw "our girl" as vulnerable and decided to take advantage of her and the situation. Because this guy is the way he is, I really have no doubt there's another woman involved. Even though "our girl" has now accepted that he was playing a game, it is a fact she was attracted to him. This is a problem because there is a strong possibility this guy will contact her in the future and try to "hook up" with her. Unfortunately, this will only happen when he doesn't have any other options with the "other woman." Additionally, somewhere in his head, this guy now sees "our girl" as merely a fling, therefore, any contact they have in the future will be for only one thing.

My advice to "our girl" was to forget about it (him) and move on with her life. Although she was attracted to this guy, she has to fight the urge to either accept his calls or to even try to call him herself. Again, this wouldn't be the beginning of a true relationship, but the beginning of a "booty call" scenario.

What do you think?

Relationship TIVO

2006-11-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

How many times have you ever been in an argument with your significant other when it suddenly dawned on you that it would be nice if you had a recording device to record the argument for later review? You know it be nice to be able to listen word-for-word to the argument and be able to counter your significant other's later recollections of what you said during the argument.

Unfortunately, short of actually using a recording device, which would be rather tacky, there is no way to recall verbatim what was said during an argument. Additionally, as we all know, many of us say things during arguments that we don't necessarily mean. Therefore, there is a good chance we could actually hurt the feelings of our significant other. There is usually no way to take these things back once they are said. How many times have you heard, "you wouldn't say it if you didn't mean it."?

I believe what happens to many of us is that during arguments we go "defensive." Basically, our significant other has the upper hand, we know we are losing the argument, so we begin to make statements merely to defend our position. This oftentimes leads to a feeling of being trapped, at which point inappropriate, inaccurate and hurtful statements are often made.

Understand, there is little probability you will have a recording device with you during each and every argument you are likely to be in. Therefore, it is very important that you choose your words wisely and make sure you are conveying valid points that are part of the argument and not just making hurtful statements that can seriously damage your relationship.

Help Me I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

2006-11-15T06:52:00.001-07:00

Seems like we all spend at least a portion of our lives trying to connect with others. These are either people we want to date or people we want as friends. As we meet people, we obviously judge them and then decide whether we want them to be a part of our life. If they appear to be crazy, we distance ourselves from them and look for others to be friends with.

Here’s what I do not understand: We go through this process when we first meet someone and evaluate whether they are the type of person we want as a friend. If we decide they are, we then expend more energy helping the relationship grow. We then become emotionally invested in the relationship and the relationship takes on far more importance to us. This being the case, after we have decided that someone is worthy of friendship and they then start acting like a crazy person, why can’t we just end that relationship? Like I already said, I understand we are emotionally invested, but why do we allow this other person’s activities bring us down rather than simply “cutting ties” with them.

Here’s what I am talking about. I work with a woman (we will call here Mary) who has a couple female friends that she classifies as very good friends. Although these two other women are individually friends with Mary, they do not like one another. So, they spend a great deal of their time fighting over Mary and trying to garner her attention. Additionally, when they are with Mary, they spend a lot of their time complaining about the other person and trying to get Mary to agree with them. This puts Mary in a very difficult position and is now to the point where Mary is afraid to spend time with either.

I know, this sounds like these people are in 7th grade, but in fact they are all adults in their 30s and 40s.

I told Mary she needs to sit down with each of her friends individually and explain to each that she doesn’t like the fact they have put her in the middle of the fight. She then needs to explain that she doesn’t want to be involved in the dispute and that she refuses to speak about or hear any complaints about the other person. She also needs to tell each that if they aren’t willing to forego putting Mary in the middle, she doesn’t want to be around them anymore. Mary needs to be willing to walk away from one or both of the women if they are not capable of meeting her wishes.

Sad that it comes to this, but why should Mary expend her emotional capital on relationships that really don’t benefit her. Does she have fun when she is with her friends? Of course she does. The problem is she doesn’t look forward to spending time with her friends, as she knows a portion of their time together will be spent complaining about the other person. So, Mary experiences dread before she gets together with friends, then experiences it while she is there listening to their complaints. What exactly is Mary getting out of this? Not too much if you ask me.

If you are wondering why I picked this title for this blog entry, I merely wanted to signify Mary’s dilemma when one of her friends tries to draw Mary’s attention. You know, the old woe is me syndrome.

The Dating Game - Part II

2006-11-10T10:38:00.001-07:00

Previously, in a posted titled, "Smitten Anxiety," I spoke about the worries of a female when she first met the "man of her dreams." That was a couple weeks ago and that female made it through those anxieties, but now new and more dangerous anxieties have surfaced.

Remember that weeks ago she was worried about whether the "prince" liked her as much as she liked him and was wondering if she was being too aggressive and might scare him away. Several weeks into the relationship, she now knows the prince does like her and that her aggressiveness didn't scare him off.

The new worries are a little different. Now she knows he likes her. The questions begin to surface when she asks him to go out this weekend. He says he would love to go, but for the 2nd weekend in a row, he has plans that require him to be out of town for the entire weekend. I now hear alarm bells going off all over the place. I think anyone reading this clearly understands why she now has new worries. For those of you not seeing it, pay attention. Here is a guy that appears to be emotionally and physically attracted to her. They have been on numerous dates over the last couple weeks, but each of these dates have taken place at night during the week. Not a single weekend date. The fear is this: what if this guy is already involved in a relationship (which allows him to only spend time with "our girl" during the week) and is simply stringing this girl along? That's right - potential disaster.

Here's the advice I've given "our girl": Be very, very cautious here. Continue to enjoy yourself and give him the benefit of the doubt. Fact is, he could have already had these weekend events scheduled and they may actually be legit. However, while enjoying herself and this relationship, she needs to make sure this guy isn't playing a game. She needs to push a little harder for a weekend date and see how he responds. Since he is apparently busy this weekend, she needs to begin trying to make arrangements to get together next weekend. Gauge his response and see what happens.

What do you think?

Is It Live or Is It Memorex??

2006-11-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to live life when you picture it in your own mind? Seems so simple. If life were only that easy. We’d all achieve every dream we have.

Unfortunately, I’ve noticed that life is similar to not a CD, but a live concert. We do the best we can; however, the reality rarely matches the dreams we have in our brain. Much like a band, we give it a great try, but technology doesn’t allow the reality of our lives (or the live concert) to match perfectly with our dream (or the cd recorded in a studio).

Much like the band, we need to dream and give it the best shot possible, but at the same time realize our life will never be exactly how we would like it to be. The difference is, in your dreams, there are other people, but their actions are controlled by our brains vs. being controlled by their own thoughts/emotions. Once we step back into reality, we soon realize we don’t control the actions of others and often their thoughts and actions don’t turn out quite the way we would like them to.

Does this mean you just give up? Should we not have dreams? Absolutely not. What this means, is that we all have to realize that things will never turn out exactly how we would like them to be. Rather than being discouraged by this, we need to see the opportunities and still chase after our dreams. Fact is, some of the reality just might turn out better than we even envisioned in our dreams.

Don’t give up! Keep pushing and eventually some of your dreams will in fact come true. If you don’t reach for your dreams, you will not achieve any of them, which is truly sad!

Dang My Thumbs Hurt

2006-11-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest challenges facing all people, and especially couples is communication. Us couples just can't seem to communicate very well. Many people actively work on this and that's great. Unfortunately, as life on this planet continues to evolve, it seems like it is getting harder and harder to communicate. Prior to the telephone, couples routinely spent great amounts of time together, therefore, verbal/face-to-face communication took place quite regularly. As technology advanced and the telephone came into wide-use, people began to migrate towards that medium as well. Then there was the e-mail phase, which was quickly followed by the cell phone phase. We are in interesting times now, as it appears the primary means of communication between a lot of people is either e-mail or text messaging. Even though the telephone, e-mail, cell phone and text messaging are methods of communication, I don't believe they are the best method of communication. Unfortunately, people continue to rely on these new forms of communication more and more each day, which limits our face-to-face exposure to others.

Twenty years ago, if you needed to "confront" someone at work, you walked into their office and confronted them. This was sometimes uncomfortable, but oftentimes issues were resolved effectively using this approach. Nowadays, people are more apt to send an e-mail or text when they want to confront someone. This often does not resolve the issue and quite frequently new issues arise simply because emotions and intent can't really be read into an impersonal e-mail or text message. These forms of communication are often read improperly and this has the potential to make matters worse instead of making them better.

A couple weeks ago, my son sent my wife an e-mail that really upset her. She brought the issue to me and allowed me to read it. I read it the same way she did. I got upset with my son, who happens to be away at college, and sent him an e-mail expressing my displeasure. My son quickly apologized to my wife and said he was merely joking when he wrote his e-mail. This was a case where three people were upset for a # of days simply because an e-mail was taken out of context or read incorrectly.
The latest thing is text messaging. The things that is funny to me is that people will sit there trying to type these messages on these small keypads using their thumbs instead of simply using the same cell phone to call the person they are trying to communicate with. Seems like it would be much easier to simply call.

I am not perfect, therefore, I do all of the above things myself. I even send text messages. My recommendation is to use these other forms of communication when appropriate, but to not rely solely on non-personal (i.e. face-to-face) communications whenever possible. I think your life will be a lot easier and more hassle free.

Smitten Anxiety

2006-11-04T02:29:00.000-07:00

Oh what to do?

You have finally met the man of your dreams (at least that's what you believe), but are confused about the conflict raging inside your head and your heart. Why conflict? If this is allegedly the man of your dreams, why would you have any inhibitions about being with him? Seems like you should just go for it, but you can't seem to do it. What's holding you back?

First off, you have a bad divorce in your past. It isn't just the bad divorce, but also the extreme feeling of freedom you've felt since going through the terrible divorce. After all the pain and heartache of the bad marriage/bad divorce, you have become very fond of being your own boss. Spending free time however you want. Going on all the trips you've wanted to, but couldn't because the former "he" didn't want to partake. You got rather comfortable being who and what you wanted to be.

Now, suddenly you've met an awesome person who seems to have similar beliefs, is handsome and says all the right things. You've been down this path before though haven't you? Look where that got you - right in the middle of a very bad relationship. What if this new guy is simply blowing smoke and being what you want him to be and will revert to his real self once he thinks he had totally "hooked" you. Isn't there a chance that you could go through all the heartache again? Why risk your freedom for a guy that may not really be the man of your dreams? Wouldn't it be easier to maintain your freedom and by continuing to be your own "boss?"

I guess it depends on your perspective. Even though you seem to be happy living like you are, why do you continue to go to parties and hang out with all the friends who constantly try to "hook" you up with guys? Do you do this because you are totally happy with your life as it is now? Or, is it possible that even though you are happy with life the way it is, you are smart enough to know there is something better out there and if you find that thing you could be even happier than you are now?

I think we have a couple things in play here. First off, you are afraid of being hurt again. You went through a bad marriage/divorce before and don't want to set yourself up for failure again. I think that you will be an even bigger failure if you maintain your present situation even though you know there is someone out there that could make you even happier. Just realize that just because you've met someone who appears to be Mr. Right it doesn't mean you will eventually end up marrying him. Fact of the matter is, once you get to know this person and get beyond the "smoke" stage (that stage at the beginning of a relationship when both sides of a relationship are putting their best foot forward and not displaying their bad side), there's a chance you may realize he isn't Mr. Right after all. Is this a risk? Of course it is. But how will you know until you try? Just make sure you protect yourself. Basically, you want to "grill" this guy up front and ensure he is everything he appears to be. Of he is -great! If he isn't - too bad. Pick yourself up and keep searching.

Secondly, you really do enjoy being your own boss and are afraid of giving up your freedom. This isn't a strong argument against committing (somewhat) to this person. Fact is, you wouldn't have met this person unless you deliberately put yourself in a situation where you could meet him. This tells me you really did want to meet someone who could make your life enjoyable. Accept your action and do what you intended to do - you met a great guy, which was your plan, now be thankful you met him and take advantage of your luck. Trust me, some people aren't as lucky.

It all comes down to risk. Are you willing to risk your current happiness for a guy who may end up breaking your heart? If you weren't, you wouldn't have been searching him out in the first place. Therefore, this is what you wanted. Quit doubting yourself. Take things slowly, grill him and see what kind of person he is. Hold onto him if he meets your expectations (do not lower your standards), but get rid of him if he isn't.

If you don't take this risk, there is a bigger chance you are risking your long-term happiness!

Misery Seeks Misery???

2006-11-01T16:13:00.000-07:00

About 3 years ago, I met a guy at work who always struck me as being unhappy. As a matter of fact, if I had to describe it, it actually looks like he is "living in hell." He never expresses any joy or happiness and always seems to be in the pits. I've never spoken to him about it, but assumed his life wasn't that great, therefore, it was hard for him to express any joy.

Recently, totally by accident, I met his wife. She immediately struck me as a person who had a bad attitude. She seems to walk around with a "chip on her shoulder" and is simply waiting for someone to knock it off so she can go off on them.

Through several conversations, I learned these two both appear to be miserable because they are. They spend no time together, barely speak and merely share a home together. They do not have children (which I think is good), but do occasionally spend time with their extended families.

Through speaking to both of them I have learned they will both freely admit to being miserable; however, neither is taking any action to rectify the situation.

When speaking to the man, I learned he is simply staying in the relationship because it is the only "known" in his life. In other words, he doesn't have anywhere better to go, therefore, he stays in the area where he is comfortable (I didn't know misery was comfortable, but this guy apparently doesn't mind it).

When speaking to the woman, I learned her attitude is that she is miserable, but if she ended the marriage she would also be miserable, so she stays in the miserable marriage. I then said if that was the case, then if she was on her own, she might be miserable, but at least it would be her own misery. It wouldn't be misery caused by the failed relationship. It wouldn't be misery caused by their constant arguing and fighting. It might be misery, but it seemed less miserable than staying with a person she didn't want to be with.

I was amazed to learn neither of these guys is doing anything to make their relationship better. No counseling, no communicating with one another, no sharing of thoughts or ideas, nothing. There is absolutely no action being taken to either make the relationship better or end the relationship. Why would anyone go through this every single day? I know I couldn't I could "live" with someone, yet at the same time live without them. These two do nothing together (unless it is prompted by the family). They rarely speak (not even a, "How was your day?").

Is this what a relationship is about? Simply sharing a house? I am not an advocate for divorce, but if two people hate each other this much, why even play the charade of being a married couple. To the outside observer, these two come across as total strangers. I guess in a sense they are? If you don't talk to someone, then in effect you know nothing about them.

My recommendation to both of these people was that they need to seek out counseling. They also need to start developing activities they can do together.

I then told them if they weren't willing to do that, then they need to take a serious look at ending the relationship.

Happiness Vs. Desires

2006-10-30T10:36:00.001-07:00

We all have desires. Whether it’s getting the car of your dreams, buying the latest electronic goodie, or being in a great relationship. The problem when it comes to relationships is that our desires sometimes begin to outweigh our happiness. In other words, rather than simply being happy with our lives, we continue to desire things that may never be obtainable. That becomes a problem because when your desires aren’t met, there is a possibility your disappointment will eventually begin to “cloud” the fact you are generally happy. In other words, you become depressed when you don’t fulfill your desires even though you may be in a great relationship where you are totally happy. Over time, these depressing feelings start to destroy your happiness.

The point here is that it isn’t bad to have desires, but you can’t let those desires ruin your day-to-day happiness. Additionally, you need to ensure your desires are obtainable so there’s a greater chance your can actually obtain them.

Tip of the Day

2006-10-23T22:53:00.000-06:00

10/30/06: Accentuate the positive!

10/24/06: Change because you want to change and not because someone demands that you change.

10/20/06: Don't be afraid to talk to those special people in your life. Even if the topic is a hard one, those are the conversations you have to have to ensure those relationships endure over time.

To Give or Not To Give

2006-10-23T17:00:00.000-06:00

Have you ever noticed no people are totally 100% compatible. Yes, you will meet people who say they are, but they are "fudging" just a little bit. They may be 100% compatible when they make their declaration, but they probably weren't when they first met their significant other.

So, how did these people end up 100% compatible (or as close as possible)? They did it by working together. The fact is, all people have a core. The core consists of things (beliefs, standards, etc.) that we hold to be true/right. Most of these core beliefs are formed when we are young and are obviously learned by watching/listening to our parents/family members. We are what our parents want us to be after all.

When we meet someone new, we will oftentimes not be 100% compatible with them; however, based on how much we "like" these new people, we will internally decide what we are willing to give up from our core in order to attract them. Here's an example, if you are someone who was raised believing it was alright to use swear words and then meet someone you are attracted to who doesn't like bad language, chances are great that you will modify your behavior to ensure the person is attracted to you. In other words, you are will to change your core if the "reward" (a potential relationship with someone you are attracted to) is great enough.

So, we all learn to modify behavior in order to get what we want. This isn't a bad thing as long as we don't change everything for someone else while that someone else simply sits by and doesn't change to meet your needs as well. Does this mean the person who doesn't like swearing should suddenly start swearing so you feel better about him/her? No. Obviously, swearing isn't illegal, but it is perceived as bad, therefore, it is far better for the "swearer" to give this up than the other way around.

So, what do you change? If someone means enough to someone else, most people will change just about anything to win them over. Again, this can be dangerous as there's a potential someone may give up core issues they really don't want to give up simply to win the affections of another. These changes are typically short-lived and usually resurface as soon the the affections of the other are gained. Therefore, there is a potential the object of your affections will view this reversion as a lie since it will appear you "blew smoke" their way during the courting process.

Therefore, I recommend people do a self-assessment and try to identify issues they feel they need to change. If there are things that need changed, then that person should change for themselves and not for someone else. Chances are great your potential spouse or boy/girl friend will recognize these changes and will give you "credit" for making the effort. In the long-run, the potential to revert back to your "old self" is far less likely when you change for yourself vice changing to win the affections of another.

Trying to force someone to change is also dangerous. This can cause resentment between couples. Your significant other may change to make you happy, but, like I said previously, this change will more than likely not be permanent. Additionally, the person changing will become resentful and may even demand that you change certain things they don't like. This continues in an endless cycle until the relationship is buried in deceit as the person making the change will often not take unwanted actions when their significant other is around, but will continue with the behaviour when they think they can get away with it. Smoking is a clear example of this. I've known many people that quit smoking because their significant other wanted them to, yet they continue to smoke when they aren't around their significant other and believe they can get away with it. This breeds a relationship of deceit, which will more than likely end in divorce as one of the parties catches the other in a significant lie.

So, look inward and try to identify the things about yourself that you think warrant change. Then change them because you want to change them. Then go out and find a person who is going to accept you for who you are versus accepting you as someone they believe they can change.

Good luck.

Football vs. The Wife

2006-10-21T21:48:00.000-06:00

As many women will attest, they (women) have problems when their husbands/boyfriends spend too much time in front of the television watching sporting events. These women are commonly referred to as "sports widows."

I have a tale about football that also deals with a wife demanding her husband forgo football this weekend. This tale is a little different however.

This story involves three people, Larry (father, husband and coach), Jill (mother and wife), and Billy (son and football player).

At the beginning of this school year, eleven year old Billy announces to his parents that he would like to play football on one of the organized youth teams in their area. Both Larry and Jill support Billy's wishes. Larry even goes one step further and decides to volunteer as a coach for Billy's team.

Larry and Billy attend all the team practices and games throughout the year and really seem to be enjoying themselves. Jill attends all the games and shows support for both Billy and Larry.

This week, which happens to be the last regular season game of the year, is where the problems start. Larry and Jill have been invited to attend the wedding of the daughter of some of their long-term friends. Jill, who loves attending weddings, readily accepts the invitation and informs Larry that "they" will be attending the wedding and reception. Larry quickly checks the football schedule and realizes the wedding directly conflicts with Billy's last game. Larry informs Jill of this, at which point Jill quickly informs Larry that he and Billy will be "skipping" the last game so they can attend the wedding as a family.

How to solve this dilemma? Well, this is a true story and in fact, when faced with the dilemma, Larry (whose name has been changed for this post) approached me and asked me how I would recommend he handle this problem. Here's what I told him: At the beginning of the football season he made a commitment to his son, the other players and the other coaches and he needs to fulfill that commitment. He should politely apologize to his wife for not attending the wedding, but should remind her of his commitment to Billy and the football team and that he is trying to show the players (and especially Billy) that when they make commitments they have to live by those commitments. I then told Larry he should make every effort to leave the game as soon as it ends and then attend as much of the wedding/reception as possible.

Maybe Larry should simply give in, skip the game and attend the entire wedding?

What do you think?

Conversations with a Daughter

2006-10-20T07:39:00.000-06:00

Last night, I had the opportunity to actually spend time with my daughter and talk to her about various things. This might sound strange because you may be asking yourself why I don't do this every single day. Well, my daughter is almost twenty, which means I hardly ever see her.

Anyway, as I was talking to her, her music selections were playing on her stereo. As I listened to the words, I have to say I was surprised by what I heard. This so called "rap" music contained many lyrics that were offensive. Not only were the lyrics offensive to me, but I believed they were degrading to women. I was perplexed about why a young woman would listen to music that she instead should find offensive. I spoke to my daughter about this, but the only real answer she could provide was that she didn't really listen to the words, but liked the instruments. I told her she should probably pay attention to the words and understand the true meaning of the words before she decided to supports musical artists with those beliefs.

At the tail end of the conversation, my daughter switched to a different cd and said, "listen to this, it is religious music." She then said, "doesn't it make it better that I also listen to this music and not just the bad music?" I responded, "That's like telling me you robbed bank, but then saying it was OK because you went to church before you did it."

I don't know if my words had a lot of meaning to my daughter, but I hope they did.

I will close with this, "If you have principles, then stand for those principles. Not just when it's convenient, but at all times. Even when it's uncomfortable."

2006-10-19T09:42:00.001-06:00

Sorry for not posting the last couple days. Suffice to say I have been very busy. On top of that, it snowed here two days ago and I wrecked on the way to work yesterday. I am fine, but my prized GOAT (2006 Pontiac GTO) suffered some damage.

All is well and the postings will once again begin - Kevin

Tip of the Day

2006-10-19T09:41:00.000-06:00

10/20/06: Don't be afraid to talk to those special people in your life. Even if the topic is a hard one, those are the conversations you have to have to ensure those relationships endure over time.

10/19/06: When wrecking the car you love, be thankful you have walked away and can laugh about it the next day.

10/16/06: You want to embrace your children whenever possible. Then again, every once in a while you may need to run and hide from them.

10/13/06: How many people believe the whole Friday the 13th thing? When are they going to wake up and realize we all create our own luck and control the things that happen in our lives?

10/12/06: Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. (Mr. Brendan Gill)

10/11/06: To quote a famous saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." To add to this famous saying, "Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and the ones you love right behind you." These are the great people we have to rely on and who will always stand "behind us" during our endeavors.

Personas

2006-10-16T13:36:00.000-06:00

As we are all aware, everyone has a public and a private persona. In other words, we only show people what we want them to see. We all know about this because we all do it.

What is strange is that although we know we do it (present the image), we seem amazed that others do it and that we are taken in and believe what they are showing us. I think this is because we want to believe in people, therefore, we assume (often incorrectly) they are being honest with us. Then we are amazed at some point in the future to see how (or who) the person really is.

This is critical in relationships. How many times have you talked to friends who said, "I thought he was the greatest until we had lived together for six months." What do your friends think? Do any of us give someone we "like" 100% access to the true us when we first meet or are dating someone new? Of course not. As I said earlier, we only show what we want the other person to see.

This approach may work in the short-term, but a person's "core" is always going to come out. It might not be tomorrow, but eventually, they will lose their inhibitions and the "true" them will come out. This is often startling to others as we are easily led astray.

Long-term, it is far better to allow a potential girl/boy friend to see who you are immediately. Don't be afraid to scare them off. If the real you is going to scare them off, better to do it immediately, before you are emotionally invested in the relationship.

"Me" Generation

2006-10-16T06:28:00.000-06:00

Here's a true "tip of the day:" Kids today are part of the "me" generation. What does this mean for you? Basically, it means they expect others to "give" them what they deserve. Not all kids are this way, but the majority are. They feel society "owes" them. To translate, they believe they don't have to work for the things they want, but should simply be provided with whatever they desire.

If you are the parent of a young child, I strongly recommend you combat this attitude immediately. Make your child work for their rewards. Even at a young age, rather than giving your child(ren) everything they want, maybe it's appropriate to make them work for it.

Long-term, this will teach you children that they will have to break a sweat every once in a while to get the latest "thing" they want. Trust me, this life lesson will go a long way. It will not only help your child, but will also make your life a little easier.

Oh To Be A Father

2006-10-13T19:27:00.000-06:00

Here's the scenario: A man has a twenty-something daughter who is away at college. This daughter, who we will call Mary, had some difficulty finding a job before she went away to college. Those difficulties continue now that she is away at college. According to Mary, she goes out diligently and tries to find a job, but just hasn't had any luck. This is the same story she told her dad, who we will call Tom, before she went away to college. The problem Tom faces is that when he saw her efforts previous to her going away to college, he wasn't impressed. In fact, he knows Mary wasn't working diligently to find a job at all. As a matter of fact, Tom is certain Mary barely expended any effort while looking for a job. Tom suspects since Mary is now away at college, her lack of effort continues.

Now, since Mary wasn't able to find a job before or after leaving for college, Tom decided to be nice. See, normally Tom requires Mary to pay her own way. This means that Mary is normally required to pay her own car insurance, cell phone bill, etc. To be nice, Tom suspends the requirement for Mary to pay these bills. He tells Mary she isn't required to pay them at this time, but is required to reimburse him for these bills once she finds a job.

The quandry is this. Sometime back, Mary wrote an article for a national magazine. The magazine recently contacted Mary and informed her they were going to pay her $500 for her article. Once Mary learns about this $500, she immediately informs Tom and his wife that she intends to use the money to fly across the country to visit a friend.

What should Tom do? Should he allow Mary to make the trip? Should he and his wife demand that Mary pay them back for her expenses? What's a parent to do?

Gossip and the Damage It Does

2006-10-11T13:02:00.000-06:00

Have you ever noticed how much people like to gossip? I see it everyday and have to admit I am frequently in the center of it. It isn't that I necessarily like spreading gossip, but that I am an "infomation hound" and like to have as much information as possible. Even though I work diligently to ensure I am not spreading gossip, I am as much a part of the problem by merely seeking out gossip as the person who makes it their job to spread gossip.

What I am working on, and believe most of us need to work on, is stopping as much gossip as possible. Especially within a work environment or any other environment that puts you in contact with a lot of other people. Think about it, gossip simply works to undermine our efforts to be accepted by the community-at-large. Not too many people desire this. Most people spread gossip thinking it will make them central to any group, and in fact, this may be the short-term result.

Long-term, gossip spreaders aren't trusted by others. If Mary goes around spreading gossip to Janet, Janet may openl accept the information, but will eventually begin to wonder what kind of gossip Mary is also spreading about her (Janet).

This only results in your relationships with others being permanently damaged.

Do yourself a favor and steer clear of gossip as much as possible.

Why Oh Why??

2006-10-10T15:46:00.000-06:00

As I spent some time in a family environment this weekend, I had the opportunity to observe others interacting with their families. Led me to wonder (as I am sure most of you have) why some people have children.

Of course, I am smart enough to know a lot of people have children because they become involved, take certain actions, then have results they may or may not have expected or wanted.

What amazes me is when I realize how many parents are out there who assume they are doing the right thing(s), when in fact they are really messing up. I am not perfect as a parent, but some of these mistakes I see happening could be easily handled if a little common sense were applied.

Unfortunately, as most of us know, we (society) are going to have to deal with these issues in the future. Yes, we are going to deal with the children that are raised wrong. Hence the reason I am so disappointed by some of the parenting I see going on out there.

Thoughts??

Differing Points of View

2006-10-09T12:14:00.000-06:00

Experiencing Fun

2006-10-08T11:24:00.000-06:00

A lot of people have a tendency to sit around their house or apartment and never go outside to experience all the wonderful things going on around them. With the Internet, it is very easy to get online and see what's going on in the area. Many of these things are free or very low cost and end up being a really fun time. I recently went to Oktoberfest in Castle Rock, Colorado and saw many people enjoying themselves. Simply walking through town was a lot of fun. Of course, like many similar events, there was beer drinking, train rides for the kids and many other things for people to enjoy.

Take a minute to find out what is going on, then get up out of that chair and go and do it. Try something you've always wanted to do, but never had the opportunity. Then try something you've never considered doing. Might discover something new and exciting. Also, make sure you are trying to find things the whole family will enjoy. Good luck with your search.

Relationship Planning

2006-10-05T08:26:00.000-06:00

Do you evaluate where you are in your relationships with others? By this, I mean do you assess your relationships and then come up with "plans" (at least mentally) that will help you improve those relationships?

We all spend time thinking about going shopping with a friend or out for a drink with our significant other. This is planning, but I am talking about long-term planning. Do you look at your boyfriend or spouse and ask, "What do I need to do to continue ensuring this relationship prospers?" or "This person isn't giving me what I need and I am not interested in fixing it, therefore, what am I going to do to change my current situation?"

We all seem to do the short-term planning, but not a lot of us do the long-term stuff. By doing the long-term planning, you ensure you don't get caught in a "rut" and that your relationships actually travel down a road that you want them to go down.

Without long-term planning, you are bound to fail or at least be terribly disappointed.

Never get to a point in your life where you look back and say, "I could have, I should have or I would have." You need to figure out today what is right for the future. Don't get into the future and figure out there were things you would have rather done but never took the opportunity.

Thoughts

2006-10-05T08:16:00.000-06:00

My last blog entry (What the????) really elicited a lot of good responses. I recommend others, who may not have ever left comments or sent me an e-mail, also step up and make comments. This is your opportunity to resolve some of those longstanding issues that you have been burying.

What the??????

2006-10-04T12:52:00.000-06:00

Every wonder what makes people take the actions or make the statements they make? Ever had a conversation with some and then found yourself scratching your head wondering what prompted them to take a certain action or make a certain statement?

I often hear others say things like, "what was he thinking" or "why would he do that?". Even though these statements make it appear as if the person making the statement is honestly interested in finding out what prompted someone else's actions or words, we all know this isn't the case.

Most people make these statements, but really don't care what prompted an action. Instead, they are only interested in the action or words.

If you are interested in really discovering what prompts someone to take certain actions or make certain statements, you much be willing to look at the action or statement from a different perspective. You have to walk in their shoes for a while so you have a better understanding of the path they have walked. Additionally, if you show the other person that you actually "care," there is a far greater chance that they will let you into their world, which will provide you with insight you never had before. This insight will often be enough to allow you to understand why they took a certain action. Also, once someone allows you into their world, you become "trusted" and have a far greater chance to effect their actions or statements in the future if you so desire.

Perceptions

2006-10-02T21:47:00.000-06:00

So, I, like everyone else, have perceptions about the people and things around me. Basically, when it comes to relationships, in case you haven't figured it out, I believe men are smoke and women are mirrors. Hence the title of my blog.

All men aren't smoke and all women aren't mirrors; however, I firmly believe the majority of us match those titles.

Basically, I believe men, again for the most part, spend the majority of their lives blowing smoke. Regardless of whether they feel unworthy or whether they simply don't want to disappoint (or look bad) to the people around them, they "bluff" their way through life.

I believe women on the other hand, do something similar, but slightly different. Whereas a man will blow smoke to cover his tracks, a woman merely accepts things around her whether she agrees with or supports those things. Basically, most woman "mirror" the image they believe society expects them to uphold, even if that image doesn't match their own desires.

Let me give you an example. I was speaking to a lady the other day and told her about my beliefs concerning "smoke" and "mirrors." After stating my position, she stated she did not agree. As soon as she stated this, she immediately added the following statement, "Of course I have issues, but I keep them suppressed and hold them inside." I looked at her and said, "Doesn't that match with what I believe the majority of women do?" She got a quizzical look on her face and said, "I guess so." This woman was a prime example of someone who has "issues," whether they be from her childhood, her current marriage, or whatever, that she keeps repressed rather than addressing them. It appears she is afraid to address the "issues" as she knows those issues may mark her in societies' eyes as "abnormal." It may appear this is an OK solution; however, the fact of the matter is her issues will eventually erupt, so I believe it's better to address the issues now, before they totally take over this woman's life. Thoughts?

Purpose

2006-09-29T21:07:00.000-06:00

Readers can go to many places to receive advice. From the newspaper, to television, to books, and conferences, there are many "experts" more than willing to provide "guidance."On this blog, it is my intent to actively listen to problems, analyze those problems, then provide real solutions. Not hocus pocus type stuff, but real common sense type information that can help just about anyone resolve issues. My primary purpose is to help those who are having problems with others, but I will also provide advice about non-relationship issues as time allows.

So, it there's something you need help with or advice on, please leave a message and I will respond with my "take."